Emmanuel

I have been working so many hours that I have not had the opportunity to update the blog. It is our busy season at work, commandeering every second of my day. However, I have managed to squeeze in some writing time on the train. Usually I reserve train time for applying makeup and taking a quick nap. Desperate times call for desperate measures. The nap looses.

I have been trying to work into my first book the expanded story of one of my characters, but the story is too long. So guess what? He gets his own book! I have titled it Emmanuel, named after the character. He is an angel who chose to 'fall' with Satan so that he could keep an eye on his activities while terrorizing mankind, especially God's Rose, Lela. Emmanuel is a continuation in the series of  novels, spurned by Julian's curiousity regarding his great-great-great grandfather. Intrigued by his name, subliminally remembering their past lives together, Julian asks Lela to tell him Emmanuel's story. She tells him that only Emmanuel can tell his story. Suddenly before Julian's eyes, Emmanuel commandeers his grandmother's body, telling him of not only his life, but their lives together for 200 prior to Julian's current incarnation.

That's kinda it in a nutshell. I have written the story throughout all of the novels. However, I have finally decided to extract the chapters from the other books, giving the story its own space to grow. We will see what becomes of it.

Busy and Writing

How do we balance life and writing? Both are two pretty dominating forces to contend with. We must work our jobs, take care of home and family. At the same time, we have to satisfy the burning desire to put pen to paper, fingers to key board, and crank out all of the thoughts bouncing around inside of our hearts, minds and souls.

For me, I am now well into the 'busy season' at work, being that the holidays are near. As an Executive Assistant, I must not only attend to my normal duties, but the extra cares of conference planning, mailing lists and gift ordering for my boss's many associates, friends, families and clients. Needless to say, I am already exhausted. But even with all of this, my writing is placing pressure on me as well, constantly bombarded with new ideas, scenes, story organization (or re-org) the list goes on.

But somehow, it all gets done. I am always sleepy, but everything gets done. I dream of the days when I will enjoy uninterupted time to write, but I find when I am granted those few moments of serenity, I have nothing to say. It is an all or nothing situation. I must do it all at once or nothing at all. I am so accustomed to writing under pressure, I do not how not to.

How do you write? Do you do better under pressure or in a relaxed, serene enviroment (if such a thing exists)?

Continual Growth

Since splitting the novel for the umpteenth time, the saga overall has taken on a new life, blossoming, unfolding, growing. I am shuffling storylines around... characters are evolving. Those who had small roles before are growing, sharing more of whom they are and how they came to be.

It is funny, but once I let go of my idea of what the series should be, it has become what it actually is. So now, I am just going with the flow, anxious to see what the story will become.

I guess that I will not finish anytime soon. Ha! But then again, maybe I will complete all sooner than expected.

Names and Words

So, I have begun work splitting the novels. Now I have a new dilemma.

Titles.

I am tempted to continue the with the same naming convention. I believe that I will.

La Rose, Book I.

That is kind of boring. I think that I would like to do a subtitle. I am tempted to name the book after the heroine, but I am not sure if I wish to do it. There is another name that I am considering, but I was saving it for a entirely different book (still part of the same saga, I have only written 20 pages of it). Not sure if I wish to name it after the town.... Hmm, actually that may not be a bad idea. It would certainly catch everyone's attention...

New Orleans

Book I of La Rose

Le Baton Chronicles

Wow, I really like this painting. It perfectly describes Lela Chevalier Roberts who is the Holy One, La Rose.

Shucks, I am not sure what I will do. However, I do believe that I will have time to mull it over a bit. It will come to me.

Anyhow, the word count is really low. It is currently about 85K, but after I fill the story out a bit, it will come in at about 95K. Can you imagine that? Only 95K words? Gee whiz. It seems so short. But, perhaps folks make take more of an interest in it this way.

Splittin'

I'm going to do it again. I know, I said that I would not, but I am going to do it.

Once again, I will divide the book.

Currently, I have it broken into volumes and then books. Why not just allow each book to stand alone? I guess I fear that no one would continue to read the story is not presented all at once. But I have to have faith in the story, that readers would be anxious to read the next book. I must have confidence in the gift that God has given to me. I must have confidence in myself. I believe lack of confidence in myself or anything that I do is the root of the problem.

Fear.

So from one super duper long novel, at least six novels have sprung forth, claiming their own lives. I guess they all may breath a sigh of relief, having room to grow and flourish. Well, it may not be such a bad thing afterall. Back to the writing pad!

Long Hand

Gee whiz. I have fallen into the abyss of writing out inspirations in long hand. This can be very troubling. Now, I must find the time to type everything up. Procrastination treadmill.

But, it is not necessarily a bad thing. I find that I rarely type word for word what I have written. I moreso use it as a guide to create the story. It is strange. They become my notes, as if I have just returned from lecture hall, now required to transcribe what I have heard.

A strange presence has come over me. I cannot describe it. I wish to write, and I do, but something is there, not blocking me... I cannot describe it. It is as someone standing in the distance. Are they approaching me? Am I approaching them? LOL It sounds as if I'm on some sort of 'trip' but I am not. Perhaps the novel is about to turn a corner that I cannot see. I am not sure what it is.

Enough of my bizarre ecsoteric ramblings. Off to work!

Catching It All

I awoke at about 4am this morning, my mind teaming with scenarios for the novel (s). It played out before me as if a movie.

Dilemma: Do I get up and write it down?

Sometimes I do, but sometimes I don't, rolling the dice that I will remember all in the morning. Well guess what?

ZERO!!!

I did not get my lazy so and so up to write it down. "You should leave a pad and pen beside your bed, so that you can jot down ideas." Yeah, if I was smart! LOL Before I moved, I did keep a pad and paper close by. However, I do not have a private area anymore, so I try to keep my things put away. In any case, I bet if I leave my pad out tonight, nothing will come to me. LOL Funny.

Good news! As I write this blog, some of the storylines are beginning to come back to me. That was it! I was thinking about scenes for the final book. Weird huh? I cannot even get the first one finished/published, but I am writing the final book. It just goes on and on. I am not complaining, though. As I have said before, I could write their stories for the next ten years. This is how I have written all of the novels, well over 1 million words total, if I had to guess. The stories come in flashes and dreams...

In any case, I will stop blogging now, so I can jot down a few notes to expound on later.

Happy writing!

Blah! Day Two

LOLLOL... What is going on with me? I am sitting here at my desk, my notes open, eating a Jimmy Johns Roast Beef Sandwich (not bad) and I cannot buckle down! It is not writer's block, all I could do was think of the book last night (as always). I am not quite sure what the problem is. I'm just kinda bored and tired. Well not really. Ugh! This is so frustrating!!!

Maybe I have overdosed on it all. Hmmm. Not sure what to say. I probably should take a break. I have been working on this novel for nearly three years, every day. Yup, probably a little burnt out. Perhaps I should take a break from it all and read the works of others. The only books I have read throughout this process are the Bible and Time Traveler's Wife. I stopped reading Time Traveler's because I feared that her writing style was beginning to intermingle with mine.

The experts say that writer's should read the works of others, but should one do it while working on their own stuff? Any thoughts?

Well, I'm nearly finished with my sandwich. It was good!

Happy Sweetest Day to all.

Blah!

Blah! What else can I say? It is the end of a pretty busy work day. I now sit here at my computer, wondering what to do. Not that I don't have plenty to do, but no desire to do any of it. I don't feel like writing (although it is all I think about), don't want to go home, don't want to go and hang out, don't want to do any backoffice work. Blah!

I am bored to tears. Not unhappy, just bored. Not sure what to do or where to go. I'm sleepy but I cannot find a place to rest. I dream of being on a island somewhere in a big fluffy bed... But then I would be irritated because the sun would awaken me. Perhaps not. I would be fully rested, ready to engage a new day!

Hmmm. I don't even feel like writing this blog. What do I wish to do? Something different, but I am not sure if I have the energy to do even that.

I think that my problem is that since I cannot live my dream, I do not wish to do anything at all. I want to go out on a date with a guy. I want the guy to like me. I want to have a good time. I want it to grow into something more. I don't want him to be crazy. I want him to like me and pursue me (not stalk me). LOLLOL And yes, I may even have someone in mind. Yup I am sure of it. In the words of Hannible Lector, 'You covet what you see everyday.' Creepy but true.  But hey, it is all in good fun. I expect nothing from it.

But, these are just dreams. You know, the stuff that novels are made of. ;-)

Well, I shall return tomorrow to write another day. Have a great weekend!

Writing Again... A Little

I slept for about an hour last night, awakening at 1am. I lay there in the darkness for awhile, and then I would give the TV a try (checked out a History Channel presentation on the planet Mars). I turned off the TV and tried to fall asleep. I began thinking about the novels all of them. Watching them.

Damn

Finally at 4am, I give up on sleeping and jot down some notes. By 445, I turn off the light and the TV.

I hear my Father making coffee. It had to be at the latest 515

A bit of light filters through the heavy cloud cover. Somehow my eyes detected what found its way into the family room through the blinds. 715

Time to go to work.

After a few glasses of ice coffee once arriving at the office, I am on my way. I refused to allow anyone to upset me today. I stayed away from those who only seek to suck up my energy.

Today, I chose me. I liked choosing me. I felt good about choosing me. I believe that I will choose me from now on.

I checked out some spa treatments for my severely neglected body and spirit. Maybe I will by a new top.

Alas, it is time for me to return home. Let us see how long my good feelings will last.

Oh yeah. I did not type up my newest inspirations today. I wonder why? They are still scribble on my notepad. I guess I'm a little tired in a way. I think that all the drama at home has tapped me out a bit. Not sleeping last night did not help any. But, it will get better. Why? Because I'm going to make it better.

I am tired of being unhappy. Why should I be? I have no reason to be unhappy. God has blessed me with everything I need, yet I give it all away, keeping nothing for myself. Why do I do that? Is this the Christian thing to do? And when you give it all to someone who has a 'what have you done for me lately' attitude, what is the point?

So much to consider.

Life Goes On

Well, it has been a week since my life changed. I'm ok, still a little emotionally and spiritually numb, but I'm making it. In order to maintain peace, I was encouraged to eat crow, cowtow and reinstate the status quo.

Fine.

So what now? Take it as long as I can before I explode. See I am a tad bit passive aggressive. I hold shit in, and then I burst. So one day, they will look up and I will be gone. I shared this with my best friend (since high school). "I will tell them why you left," she laughed. I laughed with her. It is all very ridiculous. It is time for me to leave. I will return one day, but I do need to but some miles between us for awhile.

It is strange. I am not angry. I am a little afraid, but overall, I'm ok. Who wants to loose their family? But they did not choose me, so why am I concerned? I feel strangely at peace about it all. It will resolve itself according to God's will. I know that my time here is short. Soon, I will be free. Not sure how (hmm, be careful what you ask for) but I would pray that God would not devastate our lives.

I just want to be free, that's all. I want to be happy. You know, I have never been happy? I think that the last time I was happy was in 5th grade. Yes, I was happy in 5th grade and the first few weeks of 6th grade, before transfering to a new school. I have not been happy since. I would be nice to be happy again.

Concede

Last night, I went home and apologized. Do I believe that I am wrong? No. I won't go into it, but sometimes we just need to bite our tongues and eat crow to make peace in the house. That is what I had to do. Do I feel better? No. But it does not matter. Everyone else is happy.

Although I read my horoscope daily, I fail to read my Bible verse of the day (backslider). I am a brat with my Brother. Sometimes I feel that He has forgotten me, when it is I who has turned my back on Him. So Jesus, I am sorry for being a bitch. I guess that I am tired of always having to settle and concede. But You did it for us willingly. So who am I? Am I better than You now? Don't thinka so. So I apologize for behaving with You as other members of my family have treated me. I am no better.

Oh. So anyway, I read my bible verse for today (www.biblegateway.com):

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”- Jeremiah 29:11

God is funny. Even after I have been a drunken chain smokin, cussin, selfish, fist fighting bitch, he would still consider me? Well, maybe he is talking to someone else. I don't deserve it.

But what if he would consider me? After so many years of suffering, would he remember me? Why would you? There are people out there who have endured and suffered far worse and have maintained an exceptional level of hope and faith in You. I cannot stomach attending church. I will attend Mass from time to time. Why would you consider an ungrateful, jelly backed bitch like me?

But I would be forever grateful if you did. ;-) For only You can release me.

Surrender

I thought it over. I am wrong.

I have not put my family first, seeking to satisfy my own needs and desires. But it is not about me, but the family. I must work with them to overcome obstacles and shortfalls. So, I yield to what the family has decided is right and wrong. I will stop being selfish.

I am selfish, you know. I drink too much and it effects the bottom line. I just enjoyed hanging out after work with 'normal folk.' I guess that everyone has their problems though. In any case, stopping off after work is taking me away from my family. Alcohol makes me complacent. It enables me to live in another realm, where I can experience my dreams without ever doing so in the present. I do not question what is going on around me. I accept all. That is probably why I got out of control. I woke up from my stupor (I have not had the money to drink, gotta pay the bills) and I began to think. I began to add up the expenses and charges. I began to remember the past and how I was treated. I got mad. I am wrong. Now, I must learn not to be selfish with the aid of alcohol. My parents are distressed by my drinking. I don't come home drunk every day(at least I do not believe so, but I am probably wrong about that too) but I guess they can tell that I've had a few and they don't like it. So when everything exploded, my drinking was blamed. It was 7am, and I was not drunk. I had two beers the night before. In any case, it was the perfect time to point out that stopping off everyday was a problem for everyone in the family.

So I will surrender my only comfort. I will surrender smoking too. You say, 'Hey smoking kills.' Not fast enough! LOL Just joking. You are right. It is an expensive and painful way to die. I will stop. I must buck up and endure the pain of life as does everyone else.

In any case, it is time to go home and help around the house, helping my family to complete any needed tasks. It would save a lot of money too, which I can give to them, were it would be better utilized. It is time to grow up and put away childish things. I cannot do what others do. I have responsibilities and it is time that I accept them and deal with them. Instead of giving all of my attention to my dreams and worthless non-paying projects, I must give my attention to my family, address their needs and concerns. I must learn to be a part of the community. I must do what community deems as prudient.

I will no longer go into the office on the weekends. It was an escape for me I suppose, sheltering me from the everything going on at home. I would come in and finish up items that I could not get to during the week. It was also my time to work on my writing. But as my sister told me, it is a waste of time and energy, working on books that no would ever read or have an interest in reading. I originally believed that she resented it because it took the focus off of her. I'm not very chatty while writing. But after thinking it over, she is right. When I write, I do not focus on my responsibilites, attend to household tasks, interact with others. I just sit at my laptop and write. It is all vanity and ego. It is pointless. So I will put them away. I will let it go.

I have wasted the past 3 years of my life on nothing. I always fall into traps such as these. In 2003, I believe that God had called me for some special purpose. I quit my job and followed Him. I became fanatical. I believe that God would come and save me from my life. I would stand in the window watching for Him. What did my sister remind me of? Oh yes. I believe that God would send limo's to gather us up, to save us from our foreclosed building. Never happened. Hmph. We would not have required saving if my fool ass had not of quit my job. We could have made it if I had not allowed my sister to convince me to evict the tenants (she could not stand hearing them walking around upstairs and a variety of other infractions they committed). But as always, she was just and right in her decision. It is pointless. It is in the past anyway. I only have today.

Life is not about living dreams, but doing what is required to help those around you. Our only value is what we are doing for others right now and what we can do in the future. It is all about giving. Giving is the only thing that matters. It is Godlike to give. There is no past or future, only now. Our only worth is what we have to give in the now. So, I surrender my dreams. They do not come to pass anyway. They were only just a vehicle to convince me to live another day. A little mental entertainment before going asleep at night.

The future seems exciting. I now understand what is required and can execute it. No more misconceptions or false hopes. No more ego. Now I understand what I must do and I accept it.

Finished

I am finished on so many levels. The first is with about the 10th edit of the newly named La Rose (formally La Fleur). I guess that the book is ok. I like it. It is long. I was recently told during an argument with a family member that no one would ever read it, mainly because no one is interested. Perhaps it is true. Nevertheless, it means something to me. A friend has read a previous version which contains both books (or volumes). She liked it quite a bit. She is brutally honest person, so if she did not like it, she would have stopped after the first 10 pages. I will accept her testimony.

It is funny. Those closest to you have the least faith in you and what you're working on, your passion. This one person in particular resents it (and nearly all that I do) because it takes attention away from them. If I am writing, it is a solitary task, leaving little time for socializing. With the recent events, I believe that I have chosen wisely. It is good that I did not waste my time with them.

With that being said, I am finished with my relationship with this person. I can no longer stroke them and make them them focus of my life. Sadly, when I stood up for myself with them (which I rarely do) they did not hesitate to demonstrate to me how little I actually mean to them. Other family members wish for us to reconcile, but I have no desire to do so at this time. In fact, they took their side, imply that drinking spurred my actions. I was not drunk. In fact, I have been sober (at least for me) for some time now. If I had been properly medicated, I would never have had the courage to stand up to them. Sometimes things happen for the best. I believe that this is one of those instances.

So now, it is just me and my writing. Everyone has left the office for the evening, off to enjoy themselves. I will sit here for awhile, read and then head out to a friends to sleep.

I am not sad, but I am. I am not depressed. I am angry. These feelings shall pass. Maybe I am wrong. Probably so, since the other party is ALWAYS right, even when they know that they are wrong, skillfully spinning the facts to justify themselves, conveniently forgetting information that disputes their point. I have seen them do it to so many of our other friends and acquaintances over the years. Now it is my turn. Did I believe that I was above the law? Not really. I knew in my heart that this day would come.

Yes, I am free from their tryanny. It is time to walk out into the unknown.

Home

I would rather go almost anywhere but there. But, it is time to leave work. My father has already called to see where I am. I wish that they would just let me come home on my own.

Short leash.

Sweet Potato Pie and Nachos

Last week, my father brought damn near a bushel of these humongous sweet potatoes. When I came in from work on Thursday, he told me about them. I could see where the conversation was headed. "Hey, if you have some time this weekend, you mind makin' me some pies?"

Not that cooking is ever the highlight of my day, but how could I resist a request from my Daddy? "Nope. Not a problem," I smiled.

So, early Sunday morning, while everyone else attended church (as I should have) I threw 5 prehistoric size potatoes into the pot to boil them. Gee whiz, it took over an hour for them to soften. When Mama and Daddy came in from church, he smiled. "What are you up to in here?"

"I thought that you wanted some pies?"

"Alright, alright!" he grinned, returning to his bedroom.

"I had a feeling while in church that you were going to start on those pies. How did you find the potatoes?" Ma asked me.

"I don't know. I found them yesterday while looking for something else."

So after hunting and pecking around for about 45 minutes I finally gathered together all of my ingredients. I barely had enough vanilla flavoring. I grew irritated when it came time to make the pie crust. We had neither lard nor shortening. "My crusts are going to be tough," I sighed. But I decided to make due with what I had. Once I added the water to flour and butter mixture, I knew then. The dough was not as soft and fluffy as I would have liked, but it would be ok. I assessed the finished ball of dough. "Ma, this is not enough to make four crusts."

"That is plenty. You make your pie crusts too thick anyway. I like a thin crust."

I frowned as she walked away. Ma likes her pies on crackers. I wrapped the dough in foil and placed it in the refrigerator to rest.

"What are you making Auntie?" my niece asked, bouncing into the kitchen from church.

"Sweet potato pies for Grandpa."

"Ooh!" She stuck her fingers into the mixture.

"Wash your hands!" My sister yelled at her. She rushed to the sink, washed up and resumed her task of licking the beaters dry.

Although I try to avoid cooking at all costs, the pies came out pretty good. Even my sister ate a piece. She hates sweet potato pie.

"I'm making nachos for Jordan. Do you want some?"

"Hecky yeah!"

"Good. You can help me fry them."

Damn! I had been hoodwinked. As my mother reclined at the kitchen table reading the paper, my sister and I set about the task of making nacho chips. I fried them as my sister balled up the dough and then flattened it with the cast iron skillet, cutting them into triangles. 1 1/2 hours later, chips overflowed the cookie sheet.

"I wonder how's Daddy's wine is coming along?"

"Good!" Dee said. She went and got the big pail of fermenting wine, scooping out a few cups, mashing the grapes, its nectar escaping. "I'll put the 'yum yum' back in."

"Just give me the wine," I said, holding out my glass. My mother swooped in, taking the freshly harvested wine and pouring some into an old barbecue sauce bottle. She put it in the freezer. "Hey, who is that for?"

"Your Father."

"How come he gets a whole bottle and I just get a little glass?" She ignored me as she poured yet another glass for my father and one for herself. "Dang, now we're gonna hafta dip some more," I whined.

"Stop being a lush. Besides, drinking too much wine will make you fat," she said as she returned from the family room, retaking her throne at the kitchen table and reading the paper. I think that she gets off on watching my sister and me cook. I know that I would. The tastiest meals are always the ones that you don't have to prepare. "Ooow!" Grease popped me.

I saw a little hand stealthily move out of the corner of my eye. "Jordan, stop stealing chips!" She giggled, running to the protective custody of Grandpa. He was not in the mood to provide sanctuary, for her squeals broke his concentration on the Bears game. "Whoa Jay! Stop all that hollerin'! What are you all doing to her in there?"

"Nothin' Daddy. She's in here stealing chips!" I told him.

"Leave her alone." Jordan returned to the kitchen and made a face of me, letting me know that she had bested me yet again. I lunged for her.

"Leave her alone Claudia! You're going to get her in trouble with Grandpa," my mother scolded me. "Come here Jor." She melted into her grandmother's arms, stopping just short of sticking her tongue out at me.

"Grandma?"

"Yes baby?"

"Do I have to eat the broken chips?"

"What?"

"Auntie said that she's gonna give me all of the little broken chips. I want some big chips too!"

"What? Give her some big chips."

"Ma, I said no such thing!" I fumed. "I'm gonna git you little girl. Your day of reckoning is fast approaching. Once you turn twelve and start doing things that you have no business doing, Auntie will have her due!" Leaning back against the sink as the nachos browned, I smiled pondering the glory of it all.

"Yes, those will be days... My shoes will be polished, my clothes ironed and pressed to perfection. You will wash my car and clean my room. And depending on the seriousness of your infraction, Auntie may even convince you that it would be in your best interest to surrender your allowance." Jordan looked at me, confused. "Oh, you do not understand now, but you will. I'm going to catch you doing everything that you have no business doing. If you don't want me to tell your Mama, you will certainly opt to accept many of the settlement plans that Auntie will present to you at that time."

"Your going to hide her sins from me?" D'mona asked, amazed.

"For the right price, yes."

"Stop blackmailing her Claudia!" Grandma snuggled her close. Jordan primed her crocodile tears. "Pay no attention to Auntie. She will do no such thing." Jordan sneered at me in victory. Leaving Grandma's arms, Jordan passed her little fist before each eye, threatening to blacken each of mine. She grabbed two chips and ran into her bedroom. I ran after her little tail. She had it coming.

"Claudia, I said leave her alone!" Mama said, rising from the chair.

I ran into the family room seeking refuge in my Daddy's arms. "Bobbie, leave her alone. Dawg! What are ya'll doin' in there? It's the fourth quarter!" I made a face at Ma. She walked away.

There is always a higher court.

Saturday

Another Saturday of hanging out at the office, editing the novel. I need a second job. I am not making it on my salary. I detest not having money to at least go out. Once again, a few days before payday I am flat broke. I cannot do this anymore.

But otherwise I am in a decent mood, isolating myself from others who are not. I need to figure out what to do. I know what I should do, but I do not have the heart to do so. I must figure out a way to free myself. I have to be free. I have been locked down for so long. I would like to travel, have a place of my own, perhaps even move to another city or country. But how can I?

Well, I will return to work, escaping into the world of my characters.

2012

I just saw the trailers for the new movie, 2012. I'll be damned if it was not a scene out of the final novel of my chronicles, Le Baton. In the trailer, a man races his home to save his family from he end time destruction, driving them to the landing strip, taking off as the earth engulfs Los Angeles. Wow. In my story, it is New Orleans, along with much of the Midwest which is destroyed, in order to consume Le Baton. In my story, it occurs in 2010. A little different, similar premise. Plagiarism but not.

I have spent the last few years of my life telling a story that has already been told. What was the point? Once again, I come up short with nothing to show for my efforts. It is all pointless.

Better Day

I am finally beginning to come out on the other side. Although a little irritated when leaving home this morning, my agnst has dissipated. Hopelessness is departing. Don't get me wrong, nothing has changed. Still bored, broke and frustrated. However I am hopeful today. I think that the sermon and the word that I received yesterday truly helped me.

I just wish to thank everyone who has prayed for and supported me over the past week. I still have a way to go, but at least I am better for today.

Charles Blanton

I would like to begin by extending my condolences to Raquel Blanton and her family concerning the loss of her Father, Charles Blanton. He was a longtime employee and union man for Electric Motors, since 1969 I believe. But more importantly, Mr. Blanton was a good man, a true provider, father, lover and friend. Raquel and I would always muse that God did not make men like our fathers anymore, who believed in taking care of home and raising families. But I suspect that there are few golden nuggets out there within our own generation, but I fear that they all may have been snatched up!

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Matthew 5: 4

In any case, God rest your soul Mr. Blanton. Raquel, our prayers are with you and your entire family. The pastor gave a great eulogy for Mr. Blanton, honoring him while inspiring the living. Dare I say hope is trying to take ahold of me? What is this old soul coming to?

Anyhow, Mr. Blanton enjoyed wrestling. His love for the sport brought reminded pastor of Jacob wrestling with 'a man' all night until he blessed him (Genesis 32:24-32). Although 'the man' crippled his thigh, Jacob continued to hold to him, holding on to hope and faith. Finally, Jacob surrendered to his hope and faith, no longer struggling and wrestling. It was then that God blessed him. Mr. Blanton wrestled to the very end, overcoming Cancer and Diabetes. Although he surrendered to pnemonia, he wrestled to the end, refusing to let go until God blessed him and his family. Raquel I spoke about the moment he gave up(without realizing it), receiving the blessing that he had been waiting on for so long. Once God granted it to him, he let go, surrendering to the Peace, Comfort and Love of Christ.

I should take a note from Jacob and Mr. Blanton.

And to Mr. J Marshall who overheard me griping on the bus to my friends, thank you for the word that you gave me today. I will hold God to his promise. Wow, spooky. Kinda ties into the whole Jacob message. OK... Wow. God, did you really hear me in my time of despair, sending your angel to laugh with me and comfort me? Really folks, he told me to 'hold God to his promise' to make him accountable for what He promised me.

I've been down so long, I am not sure what He promised me anymore.

I do remember He promised a Love for me. A Son for me.

He promised a home for me.

He promised to save me.

He may have promised a ministry for me, but I was not real interested in becoming a preacher. I am sure that I blacked that part out. LOL

Mr Marshall, thanks for sitting in front of me and enduring my foul language today. I praise God that He brought you out of your valley within 6 months.

Perhaps I should lose the bitterness and anger and surrender to God, to hope and faith once more.

Stepping Back from the Edge

I have rallied my resolve to go on. Sorry for trippin' out, but I just could not take it anymore. I am still fighting the urge to skip paying all bills, buying my own laptop and then buying a train ticket to parts unknown, but I know that I do not have the guts to do it.

Besides, I love my family. They are all that I have, the only people in the world who truly love me and have always been there for me. After awhile, I would miss them! I just need some time away, to get my thoughts and plans together... To write... Goodness gracious to get some sleep. I need sleep in a quiet peaceful enviroment. If I could get three days of rest, that would help tremendously.

So today, I won't bitch (although I could). I will bitch another day.

On Saturday, I finished my review of probably 85% of Resurrection. I like it. I just need some quality time to finish it, as with all of the novels. Gee whiz, ideals are just bouncing around in my head and I do not have the time to right them down. I need to finish up the first book, La Rose. It overwhelms me. I cannot tie it all together. But now that I have taken a break, perhaps I can.

Lyric Opera

I'm in the office today, working on one of my novels. Well, making changes. I decided to take a break to go outside and pollute my lungs.

While sitting there, I noticed that there was quite a bit of traffic. A people watcher, I began to notice couples walk by in their finery. Looking south to Washington and Wacker, I spotted three ladies, in the glory of their youth, posing for a photograph. One adorned a beautiful red gown.

I always envisioned myself in red.

Looking about, I found a woman walking with her with her husband, dapper in his tuxedo. She flaunted about in lavender.

"What is happening?" I asked myself. I reviewed my internal calendar. Fourth Saturday of September. I understood. Tonight is the opening night at the Lyric Opera, here in Chicago. Drew, one of my drinking buddies who constructs the sets there, had not even mentioned it. I guess that he did not know that I cared.

Another year has passed and I did not make it there. I always dreamed of attending the opening night performance, and then joining all for the ball which immediately follows. I dream of attending with my love, attired in a deep red velvet dress, mingling... Lela attended the opening night performance of La Traviata in Paris, in my novel. I wonder what will be the performance for this evening? Funny, I did not even think of it until now, once seeing the patrons. I guess that I have been consumed with other more pressing issues.

So now I have returned to my desk, listening to 'I Who Have Nothing' by Sylvester. I'm going to take a nap and then catch my train. I had planned to get on the 6:40, but I cannot face my family right now. I'm tired. Life is passing me by.

Heartache

Yes, that's right folks. There is nothing like a old fool. I never learn, continuing to make the same mistakes over and over. I know better than to take an interest in anyone, well you know a romantic interest. But alas, I did. My friends kept saying that he liked me. I told them no he did not. I was right, as always.

I am just lonely, I suppose. I have learned not to look at any man. I am not sure how I even saw this guy. Well, I guess that I do. In any case, I should know better by now. I know I continue to repeat myself, I guess it is symptomatic of my life in general.

I feel a sinking in the pit of my stomach, thinking of the weekend. I wish that I could skip weekends. It is harder for me to get out. I am tired. I wish that I had somewhere to go asleep. I want to get pissy drunk and pass out, but I cannot. I got to go back to my parents. Can't stay out too late, because they will wait up until I come home. They lock the house down. Then I must endure questions tomorrow about how I'm feeling. I don't know, how do you think I feel? I feel like shit, but I have to keep moving.

So tomorrow, I will come downtown and hang out at the office, working on my book as I have done every weekend since getting kicked out. I don't have any money, so what else can I do? I am grateful that I at least have this place to crash. Then I will go home. Then I will be awakened at 6 am on Sunday. I will sit in the house all day with my family. Then Monday will arrive and I can come back to work, just to repeat the same sad, mundane circle again. It never ends. I feel like sitting here at my desk and screaming until I loose my voice. I feel like crying. Neither would do any good. I will go and have a few drinks and suck it up.

I just wish that it would all end. I am tired.

Auto pilot

Dare I say that I feel better today? Depression is weird, once you're in it, you don't want to let it go. But I am not depressed, just tired, desperately in need of a vacation. I spent some time yesterday checking out vacation hot spots in Paris, Brussels, Seychelles, Mauritius, and other locales around the world. Unless God opens up the floodgates and rain some financial blessings down on me, there is NO WAY I can visit these spots anytime soon. But I did take some comfort just looking at the pictures and dreaming of what it is like to live such a life.

Can you imagine it? A life with no financial concerns? One has money all of the time instead of finding their checking account on empty with payday more than 7 days away? Not living on credit, but on actual money... on wealth? What is it like to receive a bill in the mail and not have to figure out how to pay? One simply sits at their desk and writes the check. No worries about miscalculating the balance in the account, thus causing the check to bounce to high heaven. Just write the check and don't worry about it again. Go to the grocery store and stock up. Go out to dinner with friends, choosing whatever you desire to eat from the menu. Picking up and jaunting out of town for the weekend. Going on worldwind tours. Living life without boundries.

It is a nice dream. But in my case, I must figure out how to make the little money that I have left stretch for two weeks. This sh*t is a drag.

But even while I continue to b*tch, I still manage to do some work on La Rose. It is never ending as well. Maybe I need a break from it. But what else would I do? I am just irritated because I am at a part in the story that I do not enjoy. The characters are enduring some unbelievably bad times right now and things will only get worst before they get any better. Kinda like life itself huh? But things do eventurally improve. It will take about 30 years though.

Yeah, I'm not in the mood to edit this part right now. I think that I will work on Resurrection for awhile and watch Julian be an as*hole.

B*tch and Moan - Day 2

I just got my boss off to the airport. It has been a busy day full of scheduling, screwing up the schedule, fixing the schedule, editing docs, getting breakfast. I'm pooped.

I got paid today. Rather, everyone I owe money to got paid today. I'm broke again.

I really need something new and exciting in my life. Sure, stuff happens to me, but it is usually not enjoyable. I try to make myself and others around me happy by telling jokes and goofing off, but even that is getting old. I have nothing left to give. I realized on the train ride in that I have nothing to look forward to in life... I just work and pay bills. There is nothing tangible to anticipate. Folks around me plan trips and such. I plan them too, simply for other people. Since I cannot live my own dreams, I live vicariously through others.

I dream of having a nice quiet place of my own, to sleep in my own bed, to get up in the morning at my leisure. I am grateful to have somewhere to stay. I guess that I just want my life back. No, I want a better life than what I had before.

In any case, I have plenty to be thankful for. I have a job and I have a place to stay. Most of all, I have somewhere to escape to. The novels are my private little world, watching as Lela navigate the ups and downs of her world. Not that Lela's life is so great (much of it stinks) but I enjoy Beatrice's life (Lela reincarnated, current times). Once Bea meets Octavius, her life definitely takes the turn for the better, that's for sure! I always dream of meeting my Octavius. Wouldn't it be nice to dream up those whom we wish to meet? I guess that we do on some level. I always believed that writers channel souls from other times in space, giving them a voice here in our world.

In any case, I need to get back to work. My lunch break (yes, it's late today) is nearly over. I must finish auditing my bosses expenses and set up book meeting space for them in Florida.

Purgatory

After a couple of weeks passing, I decided to make a post. Not that I have anything new to disclose, but I just felt that I should post something.

Life has been somewhat depressing for me. I have no money, but fortunately I get paid tomorrow. Rest assured that I will be broke by Friday. I have too many bills to pay, many of them not my own. But I thank the Lord that he has provided me with the means to pay them.

My life is the same everyday. I have nothing to look forward to. I find myself unwilling to hope in change. I am ashamed, for there are people in this world who truly suffer and I am glad to say that I am not one of them. I guess that I have been disappointed so much, that I do not wish to believe in impossible dreams. False hope is a killer. Why set myself up for disappointment? What will be will be.

I continue to work on the novel. It is ok. It is way too long, yet again. I have even given up, well that is a strong word, let us say emotionally disconnected myself from it. I have accepted that no one would be willing to take on a work of this size. I am not the best salesperson in the world, that's for sure. So like many other projects close to my heart, I have resolved that the only one who will ever enjoy these books is me.

Kind of sounds like a pity party, huh? Not really. This is where I am today. I just have the whole 'fuck it' attitude, simply grateful that I have a job, a place to sleep and a story to dream of. I don't see the point in fighting anymore, in believing that everything will work out fine.

I do dream of my characters quite a bit, even now. Only my characters comfort me in my loneliness. I have no one to cry to but them.

Maybe that is my problem. I am lonely and now it is starting to seep into all areas of my life. Well, I know this to be the source of my agnst. But who would want me now, all broken down... I have nothing to offer anyone right now. I have no home, no money, kinda overweight, kinda wierd, kinda abrupt in my actions, hot and cold. Who wants to deal with that?

Well, I will check back in, maybe in about a week or so. Hopefully, my indifference will have passed. However, I do not expect that to be the case.

Letting Go

Over the Labor Day weekend I did a little work on the novel, adding another two chapters. Oye. What am I trying to achieve here? I'm not quite sure anymore. I am rounding out the story. That is it. But can there be too much 'rounding?' For real.... If I told everything, this book would be over 2,000 pages. So, I am only trying to include information that will... I don't know. Just going on gut instinct here.

I wish that I could go somewhere for about a month (minimum two weeks) where I can just focus on the novel. Writing after work and on weekends is not working at this point. I really need to assess what I have here. I find it difficult to do. I am exhausted, distracted and stressed out. These factors are making it very difficult for me to tell this story in a concise matter. I really just need a good night's rest. I think that would help me in several areas of my life.

New Life

After splitting La Fleur in two, I am finding that it is taking on a new life of its own. There is more explanation as to what is going on, instead of allowing much of it to remain in the shadows, leaving it for the reader to figure out. I am not sure how I feel about this. I kind of enjoyed the mystery of it all. It is still there, but different somehow.

It seems to be going in many different directions, headed for a common end. Once I finish, I will sit down and read it (hopefully without the aid of my red pen). I believe that it will flow well.

I have been considering self publishing. However, I am not much of a saleswoman so I am sure if it would be wise to do so. I am still receiving rejection notices and my hopes are waning on a publisher picking up the novel. In any case, I could sell a few copies to friends and family who are interested in reading it. I am still mulling it all over.

Well, back to work!

Workload

Writing daily has become a challenge. Either I'm bogged down with work, uninspired or just emotionally drained. For the past week, I have been so busy, that I cannot write after work. If do get a few moments, I find that my thoughts are scattered... I have to reread what I have written in an effort to unify with the tale once again. I have also started going to the gym... I am so tired. I feel as if I am being pulled in 40 different directions.

I think that I am also distressed because one of the storylines that I have added back in does not seem to flow well. I think that I am more concerned with length. I don't know. I am just confused right now. Perhaps I should take a break.

There is just too much story to tell. Everyone wants me to tell their full story. Anton, Claude, Chantelle, Isabel, Gosh they are all driving me nuts. I cannot tell everyone's saga in one book. So I must decide, should I just write the book, or should I write something that a publisher would be willing to take on?

I know, we have visited this question many times before, but for real? I have put so many years into this. I cannot not tell the story, though. Maybe I should just self-publish the novel that I wish to write and sell to those who are interested. That may be my best bet. I cannot cut it again. That is probably the reason why I am struggling so. I am not being true to my characters. I have become more interested in making a buck (which they should all know that I desperately need). But sometimes when you follow your heart, it will lead you to your heart's desire, n'est pas?

Well, I've been following my heart all of these years. Why be rational and stop now? I will do it my way, as I have traditionally done.

Containing the Beast

Novels within a novel... That is what it has become. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess that I will just go with it. Two new stories are unfolding for 2 other characters... I knew that the stories were there... But once again, I worry that it is too much detail to contain in one novel. I have already split it once.

I cannot worry about it. See, I am still trying to write within the constraints of what an imaginary audience/publisher might enjoy. I'm just going to write it.

But when does it end? I guess that it is over when it is over. Gee whiz, I don't see how I'm going to keep this under 200K words.

Scattered - Day Two

Ugh. This is not going so well. I am considering removing the scenes that I just re-inserted. At this rate, I will be at 300K words again. Well maybe not. There is just too much to say and I am trying to be consciencious of my word count.

On the train this morning, I remember the words of one of my Snuggery buddies. "Claudia, write the book that you want to write." Ray told me that. He's right. I think that I am trying to mold my work so that I can publish it. Perhaps I should return to my first love and just write the story. Hell, either someone will pick it up or they won't. If it is good, will it not sell itself to the right publisher anyway?

I am not sure why I am so concerned with publishing anyway. It is a distraction. This is where my problem lies. I cannot write for the market. I am only required to write the story.

Scattered

My energy, my focus is scattered. Did you ever have one of those days, weeks or months?

I know what I should do, and that is focus on completing the edit of La Rose. Then I am distressed on what to add in, leave out or take out. Then I am being bombarded by passages for the other novels, ALL OF THEM. To top it off, I have to do my job. It is a challenge to focus on my work because all of my characters are talking to me. I have to tell them to wait a minute. When I get the minute what do I hear? Silence!

Ugh! Look guys, if you wish for me to spend all my time with you, you need to make me wealthy so that I do not have to work! LOLLOL

I know, I'm nuts. I never told anyone otherwise.

Sha-La-La

My All Time Favorite Al Green cut. I am an Al Green fanatic. He speaks to my heart and soul.

Absent

I have been so busy at work. I can find little time to do anything else, including posting to this blog. Needless to say, I have done very little on La Rose as well.

It is so strange refering to the novel as La Rose. I wear a charm rose on a gold chain about my wrist. On August 1st, right after I split the book, the charm broke in two. I was devestated, but it was symbolic in a way. Now, I wear both pieces on the chain. When I look at it, my heart aches that I have split my child in two, but at the same time I am comforted. The girls needed to be seperated so that they may both have the opportunity to express themselves fully.

Divided

The incision was painless, the surgery, a success. Both patients are doing well, resting comfortably under their new titles. Although apart, they are still one in spirit, stretching and growing into the own, but still one heart.

LOL... Yes, I split the novel today. I think the final word count for La Rose, (formally book one of La Fleur) will come in between 170-175,000 words. We will see for La Fleur(Book two).

I am very excited, but melancholy at the same time. However, I think that it will be better this way. We will see.

A New Day Dawns

One more day before I begin my re-write. I am very excited about it. At the same time, I fear that I will find myself in the same boat with a high word count.

Well, it is what it is. The word count will be higher than average, but it will not be 325,000 words. I am looking forward to building out a few storylines in both novels, but especially in the second novel, La Fleur. I always felt that I had skimped on Josephine's and Robert's story in a way. I believe that I will reorganize a few chapters at the end. I have a habit of telling the back story as a memory. Perhaps now, I can incorporate some things in as live action.

-Snicker- I have already begun to write some of the inserts. Is that cheating? LOL I know, I am pretty excited about a process that many writers dread. But I see it as an opportunity to make the story even better than before. I knew that this needed to be done, as I said in an earlier post, but I would not do it. Now, I am happy that I have finally submitted. Wow, two books for one!

La Rose, La Fleur, Parteth!

Re-write: 3 Days and Counting

Ooooweh! I am so excited. I feel like a surgeon. I am going to split the novel like the Red Sea, creating two out of one. I would prefer to leave it as a single edition, but I must be practical and reasonable. It is two books. I even experienced difficulty writing the query and the synopsis (which I have yet to do) because of this fact. Maybe it is just ego in a way (I did not even know that I possessed an active one) that encourages me to leave it as one work.

So, I have written a ending for the Book I, renamed La Rose for now, where Lela is clearly the main character. Book II will retain the name La Fleur which will focus on Josephine's life. Now I can add back in a few things that I had edited out due to my concerns regarding word count. Oye, I may end up back in the same boat again!

Yup, this may actually work out. I'm going to finish up a few details with Samantha and Resurrection, and then re-emerse myself in my first love.

Re-write Approacheth

Beginning August 1st, I will commence my 6th or 7th formal re-write of La Fleur. I have decided to split it into two novels, a Book I and Book II. Still tossing around the titles... I think they will be La Rose, Book I Le Baton Series. The second half will be La Fleur, Book II Le Baton Series. It may make a bit more since, since Lela is La Rose and Josephine is La Fleur. Still thinking about it though. We will see what August 1st brings!

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Feel Good Friday

Today is kinda weird. It started off weird. Nothing bad happened... I don't really know how to explain it. It feels like Bizarro World.

So I wake up early, shower, dress and leave home. Traffic seemed light, but it was not. I arrive at the train station and find a lot of parks. Cool. I board the train, relatively empty... I get a whole seat to myself. I get off of the train, Union Station traffic about average. I run into a friend from the train and chat for a few minutes on the river side of the CME building (oh, and did I mention that the train was early? Wow!). Crossed Washington Street by the Opera House... no cars or people... continue on and arrive at the office, on time.

Like I said, it is nothing bad. Life just feels a bit different. That is it. Everything feels different than it did last night.

FriendFeed.com

Someone just turned me onto a new networking site, FriendFeed.com. Not so much networking, but moreso a one stop view of everyone you follow on Twitter, Facebook etc... I'm still investigating it. I will let you know more once I learn more. But from what I can gather from my personal accounts, it pulls everything that I post on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and my blog. I wish that it could pull from Blip.fm, however that is linked to Twitter, so it should be fine. I hope that it doesn't pull my emails!

More to come.

If you wish to check me out, follow this... http://friendfeed.com/claudiaross

Working Out

With God, all things are truly possible. I actually went to the gym yesterday, for the first time in over one year. It was cool. Well, moreso hot and sweaty. In any case, I worked out for an hour.

I am not sure how I feel today. I begrudgingly admit that I feel a tad more alert. I refuse to say that I feel better. LOL

I look forward to returning this evening. I weighed myself while at the gym yesterday. I know for a FACT that I will return this evening, and many evenings to come. For a while, I am planning to work out everyday except Sunday until my weight falls below the yellow line once again.

New Day, New Life

Over the weekend, I visited an old friend who moved to Waukegan IL last November. Since I have been trifling, consumed with my own troubles, I had never taken the time to visit her and to see her new place. So, I bit the bullet and went.

Her apartment is lovely. She has an exquisite view of Lake Michigan with a doll sized downtown Chicago glittering in the distance! She has beautifully decorated her home in the contemporary style that she enjoys (I'm a more traditional Empire/Chippendale/anything old type of gal myself). An aura of peace permeates throughout her home.

As I slept in the spare bedroom, I began to think about my life. As of now, my only joy is writing, my peace lies there. In that world, I have no worries or concerns, I can remain lost there for hours. But alas, I cannot physically live there. So I have to do something about my existence on this side of Oz.

I began making changes last week. I joined the health club, a good (although less enjoyable) alternative to my nightly stops at the bar. Since the gym is located in the train station, I am forced to stop there (or so I have convinced myself) on my way home. So last night, once I returned home, I gathered my raggedy work out clothes and run down gym shoes. I will go this evening once I get off from work. I don't have any money, so the bar will not prove to be that much of a temptation! LOL But actually, I am excited. I think that I will start with the punching bag to release some pinned up anger that has festered within me for much too long.

Next, I will order my finances. They are a mess. In my own defense, I have worked to get my bills on a payment schedule, but I would like to pay off a lot of old debt too.

After that, I want to find an apartment in downtown Chicago. I have never lived downtown, and would like to give it a try. I expect that it will be very expensive. But perhaps I can sub-lease someone's fabulous condo for a reasonable price, with utilities and parking included (not that I really need parking). Yup that's the dream.

I plan to spend more time writing as well. Yesterday, after returning to Chicago from Waukegan, I stopped into the office and wrote for about three hours. No interruptions, just me and my computer. It was wonderful. My father broke my trance by calling me, asking when I was coming home. I tried to recapture the magic, and did, although fleeting.

I am exhausted, but I must put forth extra energy if this is to work. I have to start somewhere, so I will begin here.

Rejection Letter - Thank you!

I would just like to thank everyone for their feed back on my 'Rejection Letter' post. Hey, rejection is the name of the game. Sure the first few pies in the face sting, but after a while, it does not hurt so much. Only thing you can do is to keep trying and to continue writing. Of course we would like to share our worlds with others, but at the end of the day, these stories are our worlds to enjoy. Those who are meant to visit will.

Have a lovely Sunday. Keep writing!!!

Claudia

Rejection Letter

Yikes! I received another Reject Letter yesterday. Strangely enough, it does not bother me anymore. I always joke and say that my love life has prepared me well for the writing biz! LOL

I think that these days I am more interested in writing the story than publishing. Do not get me wrong, I want to be published, but the real joy is in writing the story, seeing the characters live through the pages of the novel. Will I ever become a published author? God only knows! But my loves (my characters) live inside of me and in the pages of the novels which I have written. Yes, that is where the joy lies for me.

Deep in my heart, I know that I will eventually find an agent who can sell the book. It is a good one. Sometimes I sit around and fantasize about what actors/actresses would play which characters. LOL It's true, I do see it becoming a film one day. Hopefully I will still be around once it does!

I have been an artist of one sort or another throughout my entire life. I was pretty good at oil painting, although I could always find something that was less than perfect within each of them. I never pushed to sell anything, though. My watercolors were ok. I was ok as a flutist, but gave it up in college. My fingers are stiff and I could not play anything faster than a 16th note. However, La Fleur is the first thing that I have done that I am willing to share with the world to enjoy. Yes, writing has worked out, because I do not control it, I simply write down what I am told.

Google Docs

Found something new. Well, it is new to me. Google has a service where you can manage, storage and share documents on-line called Google Docs. I decided to give it a try. What is nice about it is that it will automatically update changes to published documents. I also like that fact that my novel appears as a novel, not as a blog posting. Yes, I think that I kinda like it!

Check it out! Click on one of the links at the left to read any of the first few chapters from my novel. The links are under the heading 'La Fleur.' What do you think about it? Your feedback is appreciated on either the Google Docs, the novel or both!

Thanks!

Samantha

Oye. I started writing yet another novel last night. I knew that it was coming. It is about Lela's lost daughter, Samantha, who Richard pulled out the Seine River. Richard killed Lela's husband to take control of her daughter and the House of Chevalier. Samantha will tell of her life living with her Aunt and Uncle in Floridian Louisiana and the Hamptons during the 1890's. Although 'Uncle' Richard has told her that both of her parents are dead, she can see in the spirit that her mother lives, and her wars to reunite with her.

The Joy of Writing

It now seems that the happiest part of my day is when I write. I escape to where my characters live and dwell with them. Their lives are not perfect, but at least in Resurrection, they seem more interesting than mine! Lela, well all of the characters had pretty challenging existences in La Fleur. But with all that they endured, at least their lives did finally get better, at least for a little while. Their lives were somewhat like a rollercoaster.

Yeah, usually my quiet time is spent thinking about them. God has truly blessed me with them. I know that their spirits must exist...

I love them with all of my heart. I wish that they were real.

Jackson Funeral

As much as I tried not to, I finally broke down and watched some footage from today's services. I did well. I am not the type to become overly attached to celebrities or concerned about their lives. Honestly, I've been pretty disinterested in the whole matter. Self-absorbed with my own survival.

But when I saw this 1969 footage of the Jackson 5 Ed Sullivan Show performance, I almost lost it. Suddenly, I was a 2 to 3 year old, in love with her future husband! LOL Perhaps in watching the video, I was seeing myself in my innocence, when everything was good: Daddy came home from work at 5 for dinner (giving my sister and I a roll of pennies for out Snoopy piggy bank) sitting before our Sears stereo console, listening to the Jackson 5 and dreaming of my future. Life held so much promise! Every day was an adventure, playing in the pantry, climbing the shelves, nap time, playing with my father's racing car set hidden beneath my parent's bed.

Yup. It is true. I see my innocence when I watch you back then, Michael. God rest your soul.

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Groundhog's Day

Another exciting day of filing away rejection letters.

Soon, I will begin another major edit of La Fleur. I'm going to take a break from Resurrection. It is not flowing the way that I like. It is interesting, but I don't know, it is not there yet.

Well, let me do some work. I think that I forgot to schedule a meeting.

Monday

Crazy busy today. After work, I hope to submit to a few more literary review journals.

Resurrection is coming along. I did a lot of work on it Friday. It is coming along.

Alas, I need to return to La Fleur. I must finish the synopsis. Ugh. That will be a good 50 pages. I hope to keep it under 10 pages, though.

Short Story

Selling La Fleur is not going so well. I am receiving rejection notices in no time flat!

So, I have decided to take a new approach. In an effort to build some writing 'cred' I have decided to shop around a short story which I wrote about two years ago named Mildred's Twilight. The story is a little over 2800 words in length.

In Mildred's Twilight, Mildred lives her 85th birthday without joy or excitement, lamenting her unrequited love of 45 years, Sydney. As she goes through her day with her little dog Prissy, she observes others in love, while shunning those who love her. She hears her love calling her, as she has for decades, but ignores it. Returning home, she turns on the television to find Easter Parade playing. As she watches the final scene when Hannah calls on Don, forgiving him for all of the hurt that he has caused her, she realizes that it is because of her unwillingness to forgive that love has passed her by. Mildred gives up hope as loves embraces her in its arms.

I hope that I can get it published. Then I will have one writing credit to my name! I believe that I will publish some outtakes from La Fleur as well.

My Mike

I wish to extend my condolences to the Jackson family on the lost of Michael Jackson. He will be missed. I hope that he found his joy and happiness before leaving this earth.

This is probably one of my favorite Jackson songs.



We all have troubles in this life, perhaps even doing things that we wish that we could change. Life it not about a perfect journey, but about the journey itself, each soul experiencing and fulfilling what the Most High sent us here to do.

Searching for Normalcy

I finished moving. I hate moving, but I had too. So, now I'm settled into my new digs.

I don't dream anymore it seems. I could once dream while awake as well as when I slept, but now I cannot do the waking piece. While I sleep, I have many unpleasant dreams, but some seem hopeful too.

I labor to focus on writing again. Too many distractions where I now live. I think that my characters have abandoned me in a way. I cannot connect with them as I once could. I guess that it is my own fault. I don't believe in fantasies or dreams anymore. I just see what is. Well, what can be percieved in the physical. I don't like it here. It is a very harsh world. I curl up in a ball and take the punches.

Otherwise, everything is ok. LOL. I know, it sounds kind of depressing but I am not. I have changed, that is all. I have changed.

Monday

Fun weekend of pulling weeds. But it was cathartic. I needed to focus on tasks that could be easily completed, bringing closure. It went well and I accomplished much, but I still have a great deal to complete. In any case, the most blatant weed offenders have been removed from the premises. LOL Now, everyone can see and enjoy my roses.

Worked on Resurrection some more this weekend. I just had to let go and write it, instead of trying to make the characters conform to what I believe that they should do. Once I did so, it all began to make since. Major changes lie ahead. New characters have come to the forefront.

Ko Ko Taylor

KoKo Taylor, the great blues legend, past away yesterday. I have loved her music since I was a small child. She was one of those artist who as soon as you heard their voice, you recognized it.

Thank you for gracing the world with your presence, Koko.

Pitch yo' Wang Dang Doodle all Eternity Long. ;-)

Résurrection

I have been working hard on my second novel, Résurrection. It is a bit of a struggle though, trying to figure out what to include and what I should break out into another novel. I'm a little distracted too.

I guess that this novel intimidates me because there is a lot of financial stuff going on. I believe that I had mentioned it before. Also, it is just hard for me to live in their world, for I always have to return to mine. It is not as if they live in utopia, far from it. I do not know... It is not as if I know what will happen in their lives until it is revealed. I don't know.

I guess that I just love their lives. They are exciting. They do not have 'cash flow' issues... Everyone eventually finds their true love. It may take a few decades but they eventually do. They have the power to change their lives and do. I guess that I have the power to change mine as well, but am afraid to do so. It will cause too many problems.

So here I am.

Perspective

My thoughts and prayers go out to the passengers of Air France #447. I pray that they are well.

The disappearence of the flight has heightened my anxiety. I can only imagine myself in their place. God, I would be terrified. I hope that they find them soon.

Kinda put my own problems in perspective. I need to learn to cherish the days that God has blessed me with on this earth. I need to thank Him for keeping me and my family safe. But all I can do is bitch.

But as long as it is today, I will be grateful and Praise the Lord for all that he has done for me. Praise the Lord.

Hurry Up and Wait

Ugh. At working putting together 10 binders to send to a client, but all of the docs have not arrived! Hurry up and wait.

Been playing around with my Query Letter again. Kinda like it. Might update the blog with it. Still chewing on it.

Well, here comes my boss. Gotta go.

Get on Track!

Unbelievable. I have done absolutely nothing with my novels. Maybe I'm burnt out. LOL In any case, that is all I think of. I dream of different scenes and characters. A funny line will pop into my head. I guess that they are calling me back. Hey, they miss me too!

I think that I'm probably procrastinating. I do not feel like writing a synopsis for La Fleur.

Coming Back

Returning from the edge today. Last night was pretty rough. I hit my head, but it got me thinking about my life. There are many things about my life that I cannot change, but I can change me, my attitude. I guess that I allow things get to me, especially when I write, for the characters have what is most precious.

But that is their life. I must enjoy, love and cherish the life which God has bless me with, both the good and the bad. I will cherish my Love, Christ.

Goin' Up In Smoke

Not feeling very well these days. I'm tired and the walls seem to be closing in on me. I don't think that I am well.

It is a beautiful day outside. My father has decided to barbecue today, so I must go over. I just want to stay home and convalesce today. I need to cut the grass.

I am lonely, I suppose. Maybe interactions with others would help. I've been indoors all weekend watching TV and drinking. I have not worked on Resurrection. The story is improving as bit. I am rewriting much of it. It is beginning to look like Julian will be the dominate character in this one. He is really coming into his own as an asshole and he has no qualms about being himself.

I like Julian. True freedom to put oneself first, telling people what is really on your mind without concern for their feelings or the repercussions of one's words. i wish that I could be more like Julian.

Sunshine Distraction

I wanna go outside and play! But I'm stuck in the office. It is a beautiful day here in Chicago. Everyone is outside enjoying the river cruises, sitting and chatting, laying out at the beach. Hey, doesn't everyone have to work 9-6 like me?

Whew!

It has been crazy busy at work. I am ready to go home now. Only 15 minutes stand between me and the elevator doors.

Back in the Saddle

I'm writing again. I had nothing to do and I was so lonely. I have no where to go. Now that I have alienated myself from my friends while writing La Fleur, nobody calls anymore. I appreciated the silence while writing, but once I stopped, I found myself to be lonely.

So after sitting around a couple of Saturdays in a row doing nothing, listening to my sister and her boyfriend bicker while he continously paces the floor in his biker boots (I need to get his a** some fuzzy slippers) I could not take it anymore. This past Saturday I opened up Resurrection.

I sat there puzzled for awhile, unsure of what to do. Edited a little. Unsure of which way to go. Then I heard, just start writing. And I did. Julian's evil a** stepped up. Wow, he is crazy. But I understand why.

So I'm back on track again. How long did my hiatus last? I think that I finished La Fleur on May 1st? So about 3 weeks?

My poor liver...

Welcome!

I would like to welcome Jill Guidry! She is currently reading the first few chapters of La Fleur. She seems to like it too!

Be sure to visit her blog http://bayouchild.wordpress.com/. She is a very nice lady. We are Twitter Buddies!

Delta Dawn

"... All the folks around [Chicago] say she's crazy.
Cause she walks downtown with a suitcase in her hand,
Looking for that mysterious dark haired man..."

I have always loved this song by Tanya Tucker. It has been my anthem for many years. Now it has manifested into reality. I realized that the other day on the train ride home. I literally walk around Chicago with a suitcase, looking for that special one. I am a little on the wacky side too.

My co-workers and friends love to rib me about my suitcase. I get comments like 'going somewhere?' or 'what do you have in there?' and other jabs which I have purged from my memory banks.

So, what's in my suitcase? My life... my laptop and my novel. Also my lunch, and other miscellaneous items that I will not disclose. Some makeup, on the off chance I meet the dark haired man who will sweep me away to his mansion in the sky.

I guess that I'm kinda like Beatrice (Le Baton) only she did not have a suitcase in her hand.

Cain't Take It No Mo'!!!

OK folks, gotta start writing again. Did I even last two weeks? I feel like my brain is turning to mush. I'm beginning to dream of the characters, well at least for awhile, but now they have abandoned me. I have not life without them! Dramatic but true. Lela and the gang are my last chance for romance.

So, I figured that I would do some work on Resurrection. OK, it is a hot mess, and not in a good way. The story is all over the place, discussioning too much at once. So now I'm considering making Res* the third book and insert Chevalier as the second, which will span two milleniums.

I really want to skip to the end, Le Baton. Maybe I should just go ahead and write the end and then come back and finish Resurrection. As Octavius would say in Le Baton, "I should except the hand extended to me."

I always do things out of order, backwards even. Oh well, it is what it is. I'll do it their way.

This is why I cannot write. I cannot decide what to do.

From My Heart to Yours

I love this song! The artist's name is Laura Izibor. Here's the YouTube Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqqQzgZw2HA.


I'm kinda lost since I have not been writing very much. I need to finish my synopsis. Guess I just have the blahs.

Query Me This...

QueryTracker.net is conducting another one line pitch contest for YA novels. I believe that it ended last night. In any case, it prompted me to work on mine which spurred me to re-write my query letter.

The Pitch...

Heaven and Hell battle for dominion over Lela Chevalier and her family, for whoever wins will rule the End Time King, Le Baton, in this supernatural historical romance spanning over 100 years.

What do you guys think? Would you desire to read more based on this sentence? Is it too bare bones? I welcome your comments!

Happy Mother's Day and Happy Birthday Daddy!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mom's and grandma's out there! I hope that yesterday proved to be a wonderful celebration for all of you.

And Happy Birthday to my Daddy Al! He is a Mother's Day Baby, for surely he proved to be a blessing to my grandmother the day that he was born!

Well, it is time for me to get to work. Have a great day everyone!

The Morning After

I actually had fun last night. I'm trying to live again after spending 3 years writing this novel. I stopped at some local spots... The Snuggery in Union Station... Then on the way home, I disembarked the Metra in Chicago Ridge and stopped by Nikobee's to hook up with my sister and her boyfriend. Last stop, Paddy B's in Orland. It was fun.

So now, I am ready to go out and do some Mom's Day shopping and to get my Father a gift for his birthday! It's a beautiful day here in Chicago. Well sort of. The sun is bright, but the rans are just over the horizon. Very picturesque. I should take a picture so that I do an oil painting of it later.

I guess that I'm taking a little hiatus from writing, huh? LOL

Have a great Saturday!

Friday

Another day in paradise, working on expenses and miscellaneous task. It's kind of cloudy out. It may rain.

Working on my synopsis. It is not as bad as I feared. Not really motivated to do it though. I've been reading some agent blogs. Maybe I became a little discouraged by the whole process.

Oh well, back to work!

Lela Morning

If in Chicago, did you catch the sunrise this morning? Well neither did I, but I enjoyed its aftermath. 7AM... A Lela Morning. What's a Lela Morning?

Lela could still smell the dew. The smell of the earth comforted her. It smelled of life, of promise. It had a way of getting into her nostrils, traveling through her nasal passages and then welling in her chest, causing her to feel alive and rejuvenated. With the dew of the morning, she reconnected with nature, unifying with God. --- La Fleur

The morning sun has a way of illuminating the dew ladden atmosphere, giving it the appearance of Eden. The plantlife appears extra green and vibrant. When in Mississippi visiting my grandparents, I would enjoy mornings such as these...

But now the morning has surrendered to the day, and we must release our dreams, if only for just awhile.

Have a great day everyone!
Claudia

On Time

Wow, I made it to work early today. Fabulous! I just knew that I would miss my train, but I actually made it.

During my chauffeured ride into the city (Metra), I manage to work on my synopsis, completing yet another chapter. It is my goal to contain each chapter to a one page summary. Ugh... There are 90 chapters in this book, well more like 96 if you count the Level One headings... So that means that the synopsis will top out at about 100 pages. LOL Agents may receive it and say WT*? LOLLOL

I must admit that it is long, but it is a page turner, according to my biggest fan, Dionne. She would come into the office and curse me for different turns that the story would take. So although long, it is interesting.

How long is it? Well, it is a little under 325,000 words. So you say, 'Well, how long is that?'

Just did a little research on Wikipedia. La Fleur is not that long. It does not even make the list. If you would like to check it out, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_longest_novels.

But still need a better ideal? Well, Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace is 479,198 words, War and Peace by Tolstoy is 560,000 words. The Bible is about 792,000. Ulysses tops out at about 269,000 words and Uncle Tom's Cabin is 187,810 (info from message board).

La Fleur is far shorter than The Stand by Steven King, Lord of the Rings by Tolkien and Clarissa by Richardson. Gone with the Wind is about 417,000 words as well.

LOL, knowing that, maybe I will add one or two chapters back into the story! Well, maybe not. Apparently only new novelist tend to write huge books with a large word count, according to Colleen Lindsey's blog. But it is food for thought. Ugh, no wonder writers drink.

Lost and Turned Out

I do not know what to do. Every since I completed the 5th (more like the 8th) edit of La Fleur, my life has become empty. It has been my primary focus for so long... I am just confused.

Sure, there are three to four other novels that I can work on, but I don't know what direction that I wish to take with them. It is funny, the first and last novels (Le Baton) are the easiest. The middle ones are killers. While working on La Fleur, I could not wait to finish so that I could work on the others. But now that the time has come, I don't have the desire to do anything.

This weekend, I did a little work on Resurrection. Then I worked on the synopsis for La Fleur. Finally, I did not do anything, but sit there and watch TV.

Yesterday was a bad day.

Anyhow, on my way in to work, I tried to catch some winks on Metra. I think that instead of making Resurrection the 2nd book, I will do Chevalier, which starts once Mary and Jeremey leaves Jerusalem.

Updated Pages

Hi Everyone,

I just updated the first few chapters of La Fleur on this blog! Check it out...

Dionne

On the day that I completed my edit of the novel, Ms. Dionne completed her read. She is the first person to read the novel cover to cover.

Dionne, thank you. Thank you so much! I am glad that you enjoyed it.

Shout Hallelujah!

Guess what? I finally finished! La Fleur is finished!

Well, for the most part. I will probably take a month off and re-read it again. I browsed the chapters today and found some little things... typos like 'he' instead of 'her', 'the' instead of 'they.' It is so frustrating! Why didn't I catch them during one of the first 10 edits? Its like trying to get lint off of a black suit.

Well, now I can do some other stuff. Tomorrow I will clean my bathroom. OMG... I will also update the chapters here on this blog.

Wanna Read La Fleur?
Go to
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=6708

If you like it, "Back the Book." How? Go to the home page, register and then you can vote for up to 5 novels.

Well, let me daydream some more. I'm not sure if can just sit around idle and not work on a novel. LOL I think that I will resume work on the second novel in the series, Resurrection, this weekend. ;-)

Thursday

There's light at the end of the tunnel! I have a little less than 200 pages left to review. Hopefully I will finish by tomorrow.

I'm trying to decide if I should take a break before beginning the synopsis. I just want to get it done! As of now, I can only shop the book to agents who do not require one, hence my dilemma.

Honestly, I am not excited about writing it. God, it's like putting off homework. However, what if an agent expresses interest and requests it, then I have to pull it out of my backside.

Well, maybe I should at least put the draft together, then take a break from La Fleur. But will I do without my baby? She is truly my life. I guess I could call some of my friends... Perhaps clean my bathroom and my bedroom? Yeah, I did have friends at one time. I wonder what happened to them?

Decisions, decisions.

Pecking Away

Editing is going well. I have reached the point where I can read without changing anything. Yeah! Hopefully I will complete edits in the next week or so.

Now, on to the synopsis. Boo. I had started writing one months ago, sometime last year in fact, until I realized that I needed to restructure the story. So after a major re-write, it should now be simple to do.

If anyone have any tips on writing a synopsis, they would be appreciated. How much is to much detail? What is not enough? The book is about 1500 pages, so I should probably be brief! ;-)

Have a good day, everyone!

PS Hopefully next week, I will update the chapters on this site. Right now, I have updated pages posted to Authonomy.com. Here's the link

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=6708. If you like it, please vote for me! Hit "back the book".

Back Home

Wow, last week this time I was on vacation. Now, I must contend with the reality of work. Boo! But today was a good day. I will not complain. Tired though. It is actually 70 degrees, right now! Can you believe it? I'm stir crazy, thinking of ways that I can sneak out of the office. I'm ready to go!

Have a great weekend all!

Little Changes

The trip was nice. Now I am paying for it. Who said that we should do nice things for ourselves? Well in my case, I only suffer for it in the end. I knew that I should have saved my little money and stayed home. Now yet another financial atom bomb has erupted in my life. I thought that I had avoided the destruction, but alas, it found me in the end.

Do you ever feel like you treading quicksand? Or that you have been condemned to an eternal episode of Good Times? Well this has been my life for the last 20 years. Take one step forward and 20 backwards. When do we get to the good part? When does Jamie show up and fix my life? LOL... Jamie is Lela's husband in La Fleur you know, the whole purpose of this blog? It's kinda turned into the b*&%$ and moan blog. Maybe I should change the name to... The Cheese and Whiner.

Sorry folks. I'm just fed up. Have you ever been to the point where you just kinda sit back and laugh for no reason? That's where I am. I cannot cry anymore. I get mad, but for what? What will it change? I have done all that I can do. I only bring home X amount $$$$. It does not change. However bills continue to rise.

What can we do but bend over?