Saturday, October 10, 2009


I thought it over. I am wrong.

I have not put my family first, seeking to satisfy my own needs and desires. But it is not about me, but the family. I must work with them to overcome obstacles and shortfalls. So, I yield to what the family has decided is right and wrong. I will stop being selfish.

I am selfish, you know. I drink too much and it effects the bottom line. I just enjoyed hanging out after work with 'normal folk.' I guess that everyone has their problems though. In any case, stopping off after work is taking me away from my family. Alcohol makes me complacent. It enables me to live in another realm, where I can experience my dreams without ever doing so in the present. I do not question what is going on around me. I accept all. That is probably why I got out of control. I woke up from my stupor (I have not had the money to drink, gotta pay the bills) and I began to think. I began to add up the expenses and charges. I began to remember the past and how I was treated. I got mad. I am wrong. Now, I must learn not to be selfish with the aid of alcohol. My parents are distressed by my drinking. I don't come home drunk every day(at least I do not believe so, but I am probably wrong about that too) but I guess they can tell that I've had a few and they don't like it. So when everything exploded, my drinking was blamed. It was 7am, and I was not drunk. I had two beers the night before. In any case, it was the perfect time to point out that stopping off everyday was a problem for everyone in the family.

So I will surrender my only comfort. I will surrender smoking too. You say, 'Hey smoking kills.' Not fast enough! LOL Just joking. You are right. It is an expensive and painful way to die. I will stop. I must buck up and endure the pain of life as does everyone else.

In any case, it is time to go home and help around the house, helping my family to complete any needed tasks. It would save a lot of money too, which I can give to them, were it would be better utilized. It is time to grow up and put away childish things. I cannot do what others do. I have responsibilities and it is time that I accept them and deal with them. Instead of giving all of my attention to my dreams and worthless non-paying projects, I must give my attention to my family, address their needs and concerns. I must learn to be a part of the community. I must do what community deems as prudient.

I will no longer go into the office on the weekends. It was an escape for me I suppose, sheltering me from the everything going on at home. I would come in and finish up items that I could not get to during the week. It was also my time to work on my writing. But as my sister told me, it is a waste of time and energy, working on books that no would ever read or have an interest in reading. I originally believed that she resented it because it took the focus off of her. I'm not very chatty while writing. But after thinking it over, she is right. When I write, I do not focus on my responsibilites, attend to household tasks, interact with others. I just sit at my laptop and write. It is all vanity and ego. It is pointless. So I will put them away. I will let it go.

I have wasted the past 3 years of my life on nothing. I always fall into traps such as these. In 2003, I believe that God had called me for some special purpose. I quit my job and followed Him. I became fanatical. I believe that God would come and save me from my life. I would stand in the window watching for Him. What did my sister remind me of? Oh yes. I believe that God would send limo's to gather us up, to save us from our foreclosed building. Never happened. Hmph. We would not have required saving if my fool ass had not of quit my job. We could have made it if I had not allowed my sister to convince me to evict the tenants (she could not stand hearing them walking around upstairs and a variety of other infractions they committed). But as always, she was just and right in her decision. It is pointless. It is in the past anyway. I only have today.

Life is not about living dreams, but doing what is required to help those around you. Our only value is what we are doing for others right now and what we can do in the future. It is all about giving. Giving is the only thing that matters. It is Godlike to give. There is no past or future, only now. Our only worth is what we have to give in the now. So, I surrender my dreams. They do not come to pass anyway. They were only just a vehicle to convince me to live another day. A little mental entertainment before going asleep at night.

The future seems exciting. I now understand what is required and can execute it. No more misconceptions or false hopes. No more ego. Now I understand what I must do and I accept it.


  1. Please dont give up writing! That is a God given gift and He wouldnt have given it to you if u werent sposed to use it. You got talent. I pray the Lord find a way for you to balance everything so you dont feel such turmoil all the time. Theres nothing wrong with having a dream. You are an excellent person and way too hard on yourself.

  2. Thanks Jill. LOL I'm just being dramatic. I am tired and frustrated, stuck in a bad situation with no way out. I just pray that Jesus gives me a way out. I would like for everyone to be happy. Not sure if it is possible though. His will, will be.

  3. Don't ever let temporary set backs put out all your dreams and hopes. Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. Keep looking to God, He will show you balance in all things. Hope you have a great week! :O)

  4. Hi, I know I haven't visited in awhile...but I just want to say don't give up on your writing. I know it's hard to make people give us the support we need when they don't. I've been there and I was miserable. I learned that if I didn't write, I was even more miserable. Just pray to God and ask Him for strength and courage to share your voice with the world.

  5. Don't stop writing. I know you won't, you can't. There are so many life obligations we have to do - like cleaning the house. It sounds absurd that we have to do these things. Sometimes I just want to binge eat, drink wine and sleep in. But that just sets off a horrible cycle and making me feel even worse. I feel happiest when I run my life duties like a machine: come home, do the dishes, laundry, put clothes away and then relax. I know what you are talking about it so much deeper but I guess I am just trying to show I feel ya - just on a different level. :-)
    - Cougs

  6. Thanks everyone for your comments. I ain't foolin' nobody but myself. LOL I never did stop. Don't suppose I will. Just allowing the negative words of others to get to me. Sometimes, people like to kill the dreams of those close to them, so that the can those individuals focused on making their own personal dreams a reality. Oops! Almost fell into a rant. LOL

    Thanks guys