Monday, September 21, 2009


After a couple of weeks passing, I decided to make a post. Not that I have anything new to disclose, but I just felt that I should post something.

Life has been somewhat depressing for me. I have no money, but fortunately I get paid tomorrow. Rest assured that I will be broke by Friday. I have too many bills to pay, many of them not my own. But I thank the Lord that he has provided me with the means to pay them.

My life is the same everyday. I have nothing to look forward to. I find myself unwilling to hope in change. I am ashamed, for there are people in this world who truly suffer and I am glad to say that I am not one of them. I guess that I have been disappointed so much, that I do not wish to believe in impossible dreams. False hope is a killer. Why set myself up for disappointment? What will be will be.

I continue to work on the novel. It is ok. It is way too long, yet again. I have even given up, well that is a strong word, let us say emotionally disconnected myself from it. I have accepted that no one would be willing to take on a work of this size. I am not the best salesperson in the world, that's for sure. So like many other projects close to my heart, I have resolved that the only one who will ever enjoy these books is me.

Kind of sounds like a pity party, huh? Not really. This is where I am today. I just have the whole 'fuck it' attitude, simply grateful that I have a job, a place to sleep and a story to dream of. I don't see the point in fighting anymore, in believing that everything will work out fine.

I do dream of my characters quite a bit, even now. Only my characters comfort me in my loneliness. I have no one to cry to but them.

Maybe that is my problem. I am lonely and now it is starting to seep into all areas of my life. Well, I know this to be the source of my agnst. But who would want me now, all broken down... I have nothing to offer anyone right now. I have no home, no money, kinda overweight, kinda wierd, kinda abrupt in my actions, hot and cold. Who wants to deal with that?

Well, I will check back in, maybe in about a week or so. Hopefully, my indifference will have passed. However, I do not expect that to be the case.


  1. I've been there. Don't close yourself off! I think this one of the best times to continue blogging, even if only to tell us something funny you overheard throughout the day. Visit other blogs. Leave comments. Go out and volunteer somewhere. Immerse yourself in something you enjoy, and life starts to pick up again.

    And most agents will tell you that your first real novel isn't usually best. They recommend writing 3-4 complete novels before you try to query. That sounds disheartening, but you'd be surprised by what you can learn in the process.

  2. Oh, la fleur, it doesn't sound like a pity party to me; it sounds like LIFE, and sometimes life just sucks donkey balls, no kidding. And unfortunately, I can't be there to bring you cups of tea or make soup and bread, but I CAN let you know that you AREN'T alone; even when it feels like it. Please email me if you need someone to vent to, all right?

  3. Thanks for the encouragement, Kori. I feel better today. Sometimes I just allow stuff to get under my skin. There are some changes that I need to make in my life, but I do not wish to do it, because it will create trouble. But I cannot continue on like this. Sometimes we must save ourselves in order to help others.

  4. Thanks for your kind words, Megan. What you say is true, the more I continue to write the better it gets, I guess. ;-) I have but the querying on the back burner for now. I'm just trying to get my story straight! I have re-written it at least 7 times in the past 2-3 years, as well as 3 other nearly completed novels. I also have two others that I have started, no more than 10-20 pages into each of them. My brain is crowded with all of their stories. Everyone wants attention.

    So, I will just continue to write. I not sure what is this concern I have about getting published. Perhaps I just want to validate myself in some way, justifying my two solid years of astrangement from friends and family. If published I can say, "See, I wasn't wasting my time! It isn't a told load of crap. Look, they liked it enough to back it!" I know, I want my ego stroked. But it gets so little attention...