Sunday, February 22, 2009

I'm exhausted. I finally went to bed at about 4am this morning. It is now just before 10am, and here I am.

I feel this tremendous pressure to finish; however, I am resisiting, not working as diligently as I should. Procrastination is taking a stand. Perhaps on some level I do not wish to finish it. Maybe I am simply tired and need rest. Whatever it is, I must get past it.

Suddenly, it all seems so big. And it is. 340,000 words is quite a bit of text to edit. But I have already done so a several times over the past years, why the sudden weariness?

And now, I have the added the task of surfing the web, searching for readers for this novel. The task is very consuming... Meeting other writers, reading other manuscripts and comparing them to my own. There are so many great writers out there.

Maybe that is my problem. I am afraid... I fear that my work will not measure up, that it is not good enough, that no one will be interested in reading a 1,000 page plus novel. My own family and friends will not do it, do not have the time perhaps... Why should I expect strangers to do so?

Last night, I dreamed that this person had made the red card for me out of construction paper, shaped similar to a christmas tree, with petals of sort that flipped up in pages. I read some of the pages, and there were messages on them from famous authors. I remember reading one message, and someone had applied the stamped signature for Maya Angelou.

Maybe the dream is encouraging me to perservere on.

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