Stepping Back from the Edge

I have rallied my resolve to go on. Sorry for trippin' out, but I just could not take it anymore. I am still fighting the urge to skip paying all bills, buying my own laptop and then buying a train ticket to parts unknown, but I know that I do not have the guts to do it.

Besides, I love my family. They are all that I have, the only people in the world who truly love me and have always been there for me. After awhile, I would miss them! I just need some time away, to get my thoughts and plans together... To write... Goodness gracious to get some sleep. I need sleep in a quiet peaceful enviroment. If I could get three days of rest, that would help tremendously.

So today, I won't bitch (although I could). I will bitch another day.

On Saturday, I finished my review of probably 85% of Resurrection. I like it. I just need some quality time to finish it, as with all of the novels. Gee whiz, ideals are just bouncing around in my head and I do not have the time to right them down. I need to finish up the first book, La Rose. It overwhelms me. I cannot tie it all together. But now that I have taken a break, perhaps I can.

Lyric Opera

I'm in the office today, working on one of my novels. Well, making changes. I decided to take a break to go outside and pollute my lungs.

While sitting there, I noticed that there was quite a bit of traffic. A people watcher, I began to notice couples walk by in their finery. Looking south to Washington and Wacker, I spotted three ladies, in the glory of their youth, posing for a photograph. One adorned a beautiful red gown.

I always envisioned myself in red.

Looking about, I found a woman walking with her with her husband, dapper in his tuxedo. She flaunted about in lavender.

"What is happening?" I asked myself. I reviewed my internal calendar. Fourth Saturday of September. I understood. Tonight is the opening night at the Lyric Opera, here in Chicago. Drew, one of my drinking buddies who constructs the sets there, had not even mentioned it. I guess that he did not know that I cared.

Another year has passed and I did not make it there. I always dreamed of attending the opening night performance, and then joining all for the ball which immediately follows. I dream of attending with my love, attired in a deep red velvet dress, mingling... Lela attended the opening night performance of La Traviata in Paris, in my novel. I wonder what will be the performance for this evening? Funny, I did not even think of it until now, once seeing the patrons. I guess that I have been consumed with other more pressing issues.

So now I have returned to my desk, listening to 'I Who Have Nothing' by Sylvester. I'm going to take a nap and then catch my train. I had planned to get on the 6:40, but I cannot face my family right now. I'm tired. Life is passing me by.

Heartache

Yes, that's right folks. There is nothing like a old fool. I never learn, continuing to make the same mistakes over and over. I know better than to take an interest in anyone, well you know a romantic interest. But alas, I did. My friends kept saying that he liked me. I told them no he did not. I was right, as always.

I am just lonely, I suppose. I have learned not to look at any man. I am not sure how I even saw this guy. Well, I guess that I do. In any case, I should know better by now. I know I continue to repeat myself, I guess it is symptomatic of my life in general.

I feel a sinking in the pit of my stomach, thinking of the weekend. I wish that I could skip weekends. It is harder for me to get out. I am tired. I wish that I had somewhere to go asleep. I want to get pissy drunk and pass out, but I cannot. I got to go back to my parents. Can't stay out too late, because they will wait up until I come home. They lock the house down. Then I must endure questions tomorrow about how I'm feeling. I don't know, how do you think I feel? I feel like shit, but I have to keep moving.

So tomorrow, I will come downtown and hang out at the office, working on my book as I have done every weekend since getting kicked out. I don't have any money, so what else can I do? I am grateful that I at least have this place to crash. Then I will go home. Then I will be awakened at 6 am on Sunday. I will sit in the house all day with my family. Then Monday will arrive and I can come back to work, just to repeat the same sad, mundane circle again. It never ends. I feel like sitting here at my desk and screaming until I loose my voice. I feel like crying. Neither would do any good. I will go and have a few drinks and suck it up.

I just wish that it would all end. I am tired.

Auto pilot

Dare I say that I feel better today? Depression is weird, once you're in it, you don't want to let it go. But I am not depressed, just tired, desperately in need of a vacation. I spent some time yesterday checking out vacation hot spots in Paris, Brussels, Seychelles, Mauritius, and other locales around the world. Unless God opens up the floodgates and rain some financial blessings down on me, there is NO WAY I can visit these spots anytime soon. But I did take some comfort just looking at the pictures and dreaming of what it is like to live such a life.

Can you imagine it? A life with no financial concerns? One has money all of the time instead of finding their checking account on empty with payday more than 7 days away? Not living on credit, but on actual money... on wealth? What is it like to receive a bill in the mail and not have to figure out how to pay? One simply sits at their desk and writes the check. No worries about miscalculating the balance in the account, thus causing the check to bounce to high heaven. Just write the check and don't worry about it again. Go to the grocery store and stock up. Go out to dinner with friends, choosing whatever you desire to eat from the menu. Picking up and jaunting out of town for the weekend. Going on worldwind tours. Living life without boundries.

It is a nice dream. But in my case, I must figure out how to make the little money that I have left stretch for two weeks. This sh*t is a drag.

But even while I continue to b*tch, I still manage to do some work on La Rose. It is never ending as well. Maybe I need a break from it. But what else would I do? I am just irritated because I am at a part in the story that I do not enjoy. The characters are enduring some unbelievably bad times right now and things will only get worst before they get any better. Kinda like life itself huh? But things do eventurally improve. It will take about 30 years though.

Yeah, I'm not in the mood to edit this part right now. I think that I will work on Resurrection for awhile and watch Julian be an as*hole.

B*tch and Moan - Day 2

I just got my boss off to the airport. It has been a busy day full of scheduling, screwing up the schedule, fixing the schedule, editing docs, getting breakfast. I'm pooped.

I got paid today. Rather, everyone I owe money to got paid today. I'm broke again.

I really need something new and exciting in my life. Sure, stuff happens to me, but it is usually not enjoyable. I try to make myself and others around me happy by telling jokes and goofing off, but even that is getting old. I have nothing left to give. I realized on the train ride in that I have nothing to look forward to in life... I just work and pay bills. There is nothing tangible to anticipate. Folks around me plan trips and such. I plan them too, simply for other people. Since I cannot live my own dreams, I live vicariously through others.

I dream of having a nice quiet place of my own, to sleep in my own bed, to get up in the morning at my leisure. I am grateful to have somewhere to stay. I guess that I just want my life back. No, I want a better life than what I had before.

In any case, I have plenty to be thankful for. I have a job and I have a place to stay. Most of all, I have somewhere to escape to. The novels are my private little world, watching as Lela navigate the ups and downs of her world. Not that Lela's life is so great (much of it stinks) but I enjoy Beatrice's life (Lela reincarnated, current times). Once Bea meets Octavius, her life definitely takes the turn for the better, that's for sure! I always dream of meeting my Octavius. Wouldn't it be nice to dream up those whom we wish to meet? I guess that we do on some level. I always believed that writers channel souls from other times in space, giving them a voice here in our world.

In any case, I need to get back to work. My lunch break (yes, it's late today) is nearly over. I must finish auditing my bosses expenses and set up book meeting space for them in Florida.

Purgatory

After a couple of weeks passing, I decided to make a post. Not that I have anything new to disclose, but I just felt that I should post something.

Life has been somewhat depressing for me. I have no money, but fortunately I get paid tomorrow. Rest assured that I will be broke by Friday. I have too many bills to pay, many of them not my own. But I thank the Lord that he has provided me with the means to pay them.

My life is the same everyday. I have nothing to look forward to. I find myself unwilling to hope in change. I am ashamed, for there are people in this world who truly suffer and I am glad to say that I am not one of them. I guess that I have been disappointed so much, that I do not wish to believe in impossible dreams. False hope is a killer. Why set myself up for disappointment? What will be will be.

I continue to work on the novel. It is ok. It is way too long, yet again. I have even given up, well that is a strong word, let us say emotionally disconnected myself from it. I have accepted that no one would be willing to take on a work of this size. I am not the best salesperson in the world, that's for sure. So like many other projects close to my heart, I have resolved that the only one who will ever enjoy these books is me.

Kind of sounds like a pity party, huh? Not really. This is where I am today. I just have the whole 'fuck it' attitude, simply grateful that I have a job, a place to sleep and a story to dream of. I don't see the point in fighting anymore, in believing that everything will work out fine.

I do dream of my characters quite a bit, even now. Only my characters comfort me in my loneliness. I have no one to cry to but them.

Maybe that is my problem. I am lonely and now it is starting to seep into all areas of my life. Well, I know this to be the source of my agnst. But who would want me now, all broken down... I have nothing to offer anyone right now. I have no home, no money, kinda overweight, kinda wierd, kinda abrupt in my actions, hot and cold. Who wants to deal with that?

Well, I will check back in, maybe in about a week or so. Hopefully, my indifference will have passed. However, I do not expect that to be the case.

Letting Go

Over the Labor Day weekend I did a little work on the novel, adding another two chapters. Oye. What am I trying to achieve here? I'm not quite sure anymore. I am rounding out the story. That is it. But can there be too much 'rounding?' For real.... If I told everything, this book would be over 2,000 pages. So, I am only trying to include information that will... I don't know. Just going on gut instinct here.

I wish that I could go somewhere for about a month (minimum two weeks) where I can just focus on the novel. Writing after work and on weekends is not working at this point. I really need to assess what I have here. I find it difficult to do. I am exhausted, distracted and stressed out. These factors are making it very difficult for me to tell this story in a concise matter. I really just need a good night's rest. I think that would help me in several areas of my life.

New Life

After splitting La Fleur in two, I am finding that it is taking on a new life of its own. There is more explanation as to what is going on, instead of allowing much of it to remain in the shadows, leaving it for the reader to figure out. I am not sure how I feel about this. I kind of enjoyed the mystery of it all. It is still there, but different somehow.

It seems to be going in many different directions, headed for a common end. Once I finish, I will sit down and read it (hopefully without the aid of my red pen). I believe that it will flow well.

I have been considering self publishing. However, I am not much of a saleswoman so I am sure if it would be wise to do so. I am still receiving rejection notices and my hopes are waning on a publisher picking up the novel. In any case, I could sell a few copies to friends and family who are interested in reading it. I am still mulling it all over.

Well, back to work!

Workload

Writing daily has become a challenge. Either I'm bogged down with work, uninspired or just emotionally drained. For the past week, I have been so busy, that I cannot write after work. If do get a few moments, I find that my thoughts are scattered... I have to reread what I have written in an effort to unify with the tale once again. I have also started going to the gym... I am so tired. I feel as if I am being pulled in 40 different directions.

I think that I am also distressed because one of the storylines that I have added back in does not seem to flow well. I think that I am more concerned with length. I don't know. I am just confused right now. Perhaps I should take a break.

There is just too much story to tell. Everyone wants me to tell their full story. Anton, Claude, Chantelle, Isabel, Gosh they are all driving me nuts. I cannot tell everyone's saga in one book. So I must decide, should I just write the book, or should I write something that a publisher would be willing to take on?

I know, we have visited this question many times before, but for real? I have put so many years into this. I cannot not tell the story, though. Maybe I should just self-publish the novel that I wish to write and sell to those who are interested. That may be my best bet. I cannot cut it again. That is probably the reason why I am struggling so. I am not being true to my characters. I have become more interested in making a buck (which they should all know that I desperately need). But sometimes when you follow your heart, it will lead you to your heart's desire, n'est pas?

Well, I've been following my heart all of these years. Why be rational and stop now? I will do it my way, as I have traditionally done.

Containing the Beast

Novels within a novel... That is what it has become. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess that I will just go with it. Two new stories are unfolding for 2 other characters... I knew that the stories were there... But once again, I worry that it is too much detail to contain in one novel. I have already split it once.

I cannot worry about it. See, I am still trying to write within the constraints of what an imaginary audience/publisher might enjoy. I'm just going to write it.

But when does it end? I guess that it is over when it is over. Gee whiz, I don't see how I'm going to keep this under 200K words.

Scattered - Day Two

Ugh. This is not going so well. I am considering removing the scenes that I just re-inserted. At this rate, I will be at 300K words again. Well maybe not. There is just too much to say and I am trying to be consciencious of my word count.

On the train this morning, I remember the words of one of my Snuggery buddies. "Claudia, write the book that you want to write." Ray told me that. He's right. I think that I am trying to mold my work so that I can publish it. Perhaps I should return to my first love and just write the story. Hell, either someone will pick it up or they won't. If it is good, will it not sell itself to the right publisher anyway?

I am not sure why I am so concerned with publishing anyway. It is a distraction. This is where my problem lies. I cannot write for the market. I am only required to write the story.

Scattered

My energy, my focus is scattered. Did you ever have one of those days, weeks or months?

I know what I should do, and that is focus on completing the edit of La Rose. Then I am distressed on what to add in, leave out or take out. Then I am being bombarded by passages for the other novels, ALL OF THEM. To top it off, I have to do my job. It is a challenge to focus on my work because all of my characters are talking to me. I have to tell them to wait a minute. When I get the minute what do I hear? Silence!

Ugh! Look guys, if you wish for me to spend all my time with you, you need to make me wealthy so that I do not have to work! LOLLOL

I know, I'm nuts. I never told anyone otherwise.

Sha-La-La

My All Time Favorite Al Green cut. I am an Al Green fanatic. He speaks to my heart and soul.

Absent

I have been so busy at work. I can find little time to do anything else, including posting to this blog. Needless to say, I have done very little on La Rose as well.

It is so strange refering to the novel as La Rose. I wear a charm rose on a gold chain about my wrist. On August 1st, right after I split the book, the charm broke in two. I was devestated, but it was symbolic in a way. Now, I wear both pieces on the chain. When I look at it, my heart aches that I have split my child in two, but at the same time I am comforted. The girls needed to be seperated so that they may both have the opportunity to express themselves fully.

Divided

The incision was painless, the surgery, a success. Both patients are doing well, resting comfortably under their new titles. Although apart, they are still one in spirit, stretching and growing into the own, but still one heart.

LOL... Yes, I split the novel today. I think the final word count for La Rose, (formally book one of La Fleur) will come in between 170-175,000 words. We will see for La Fleur(Book two).

I am very excited, but melancholy at the same time. However, I think that it will be better this way. We will see.

A New Day Dawns

One more day before I begin my re-write. I am very excited about it. At the same time, I fear that I will find myself in the same boat with a high word count.

Well, it is what it is. The word count will be higher than average, but it will not be 325,000 words. I am looking forward to building out a few storylines in both novels, but especially in the second novel, La Fleur. I always felt that I had skimped on Josephine's and Robert's story in a way. I believe that I will reorganize a few chapters at the end. I have a habit of telling the back story as a memory. Perhaps now, I can incorporate some things in as live action.

-Snicker- I have already begun to write some of the inserts. Is that cheating? LOL I know, I am pretty excited about a process that many writers dread. But I see it as an opportunity to make the story even better than before. I knew that this needed to be done, as I said in an earlier post, but I would not do it. Now, I am happy that I have finally submitted. Wow, two books for one!

La Rose, La Fleur, Parteth!

Re-write: 3 Days and Counting

Ooooweh! I am so excited. I feel like a surgeon. I am going to split the novel like the Red Sea, creating two out of one. I would prefer to leave it as a single edition, but I must be practical and reasonable. It is two books. I even experienced difficulty writing the query and the synopsis (which I have yet to do) because of this fact. Maybe it is just ego in a way (I did not even know that I possessed an active one) that encourages me to leave it as one work.

So, I have written a ending for the Book I, renamed La Rose for now, where Lela is clearly the main character. Book II will retain the name La Fleur which will focus on Josephine's life. Now I can add back in a few things that I had edited out due to my concerns regarding word count. Oye, I may end up back in the same boat again!

Yup, this may actually work out. I'm going to finish up a few details with Samantha and Resurrection, and then re-emerse myself in my first love.

Re-write Approacheth

Beginning August 1st, I will commence my 6th or 7th formal re-write of La Fleur. I have decided to split it into two novels, a Book I and Book II. Still tossing around the titles... I think they will be La Rose, Book I Le Baton Series. The second half will be La Fleur, Book II Le Baton Series. It may make a bit more since, since Lela is La Rose and Josephine is La Fleur. Still thinking about it though. We will see what August 1st brings!

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Feel Good Friday

Today is kinda weird. It started off weird. Nothing bad happened... I don't really know how to explain it. It feels like Bizarro World.

So I wake up early, shower, dress and leave home. Traffic seemed light, but it was not. I arrive at the train station and find a lot of parks. Cool. I board the train, relatively empty... I get a whole seat to myself. I get off of the train, Union Station traffic about average. I run into a friend from the train and chat for a few minutes on the river side of the CME building (oh, and did I mention that the train was early? Wow!). Crossed Washington Street by the Opera House... no cars or people... continue on and arrive at the office, on time.

Like I said, it is nothing bad. Life just feels a bit different. That is it. Everything feels different than it did last night.

FriendFeed.com

Someone just turned me onto a new networking site, FriendFeed.com. Not so much networking, but moreso a one stop view of everyone you follow on Twitter, Facebook etc... I'm still investigating it. I will let you know more once I learn more. But from what I can gather from my personal accounts, it pulls everything that I post on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and my blog. I wish that it could pull from Blip.fm, however that is linked to Twitter, so it should be fine. I hope that it doesn't pull my emails!

More to come.

If you wish to check me out, follow this... http://friendfeed.com/claudiaross

Working Out

With God, all things are truly possible. I actually went to the gym yesterday, for the first time in over one year. It was cool. Well, moreso hot and sweaty. In any case, I worked out for an hour.

I am not sure how I feel today. I begrudgingly admit that I feel a tad more alert. I refuse to say that I feel better. LOL

I look forward to returning this evening. I weighed myself while at the gym yesterday. I know for a FACT that I will return this evening, and many evenings to come. For a while, I am planning to work out everyday except Sunday until my weight falls below the yellow line once again.

New Day, New Life

Over the weekend, I visited an old friend who moved to Waukegan IL last November. Since I have been trifling, consumed with my own troubles, I had never taken the time to visit her and to see her new place. So, I bit the bullet and went.

Her apartment is lovely. She has an exquisite view of Lake Michigan with a doll sized downtown Chicago glittering in the distance! She has beautifully decorated her home in the contemporary style that she enjoys (I'm a more traditional Empire/Chippendale/anything old type of gal myself). An aura of peace permeates throughout her home.

As I slept in the spare bedroom, I began to think about my life. As of now, my only joy is writing, my peace lies there. In that world, I have no worries or concerns, I can remain lost there for hours. But alas, I cannot physically live there. So I have to do something about my existence on this side of Oz.

I began making changes last week. I joined the health club, a good (although less enjoyable) alternative to my nightly stops at the bar. Since the gym is located in the train station, I am forced to stop there (or so I have convinced myself) on my way home. So last night, once I returned home, I gathered my raggedy work out clothes and run down gym shoes. I will go this evening once I get off from work. I don't have any money, so the bar will not prove to be that much of a temptation! LOL But actually, I am excited. I think that I will start with the punching bag to release some pinned up anger that has festered within me for much too long.

Next, I will order my finances. They are a mess. In my own defense, I have worked to get my bills on a payment schedule, but I would like to pay off a lot of old debt too.

After that, I want to find an apartment in downtown Chicago. I have never lived downtown, and would like to give it a try. I expect that it will be very expensive. But perhaps I can sub-lease someone's fabulous condo for a reasonable price, with utilities and parking included (not that I really need parking). Yup that's the dream.

I plan to spend more time writing as well. Yesterday, after returning to Chicago from Waukegan, I stopped into the office and wrote for about three hours. No interruptions, just me and my computer. It was wonderful. My father broke my trance by calling me, asking when I was coming home. I tried to recapture the magic, and did, although fleeting.

I am exhausted, but I must put forth extra energy if this is to work. I have to start somewhere, so I will begin here.

Rejection Letter - Thank you!

I would just like to thank everyone for their feed back on my 'Rejection Letter' post. Hey, rejection is the name of the game. Sure the first few pies in the face sting, but after a while, it does not hurt so much. Only thing you can do is to keep trying and to continue writing. Of course we would like to share our worlds with others, but at the end of the day, these stories are our worlds to enjoy. Those who are meant to visit will.

Have a lovely Sunday. Keep writing!!!

Claudia

Rejection Letter

Yikes! I received another Reject Letter yesterday. Strangely enough, it does not bother me anymore. I always joke and say that my love life has prepared me well for the writing biz! LOL

I think that these days I am more interested in writing the story than publishing. Do not get me wrong, I want to be published, but the real joy is in writing the story, seeing the characters live through the pages of the novel. Will I ever become a published author? God only knows! But my loves (my characters) live inside of me and in the pages of the novels which I have written. Yes, that is where the joy lies for me.

Deep in my heart, I know that I will eventually find an agent who can sell the book. It is a good one. Sometimes I sit around and fantasize about what actors/actresses would play which characters. LOL It's true, I do see it becoming a film one day. Hopefully I will still be around once it does!

I have been an artist of one sort or another throughout my entire life. I was pretty good at oil painting, although I could always find something that was less than perfect within each of them. I never pushed to sell anything, though. My watercolors were ok. I was ok as a flutist, but gave it up in college. My fingers are stiff and I could not play anything faster than a 16th note. However, La Fleur is the first thing that I have done that I am willing to share with the world to enjoy. Yes, writing has worked out, because I do not control it, I simply write down what I am told.

Google Docs

Found something new. Well, it is new to me. Google has a service where you can manage, storage and share documents on-line called Google Docs. I decided to give it a try. What is nice about it is that it will automatically update changes to published documents. I also like that fact that my novel appears as a novel, not as a blog posting. Yes, I think that I kinda like it!

Check it out! Click on one of the links at the left to read any of the first few chapters from my novel. The links are under the heading 'La Fleur.' What do you think about it? Your feedback is appreciated on either the Google Docs, the novel or both!

Thanks!