Stepping Back from the Edge

I have rallied my resolve to go on. Sorry for trippin' out, but I just could not take it anymore. I am still fighting the urge to skip paying all bills, buying my own laptop and then buying a train ticket to parts unknown, but I know that I do not have the guts to do it.

Besides, I love my family. They are all that I have, the only people in the world who truly love me and have always been there for me. After awhile, I would miss them! I just need some time away, to get my thoughts and plans together... To write... Goodness gracious to get some sleep. I need sleep in a quiet peaceful enviroment. If I could get three days of rest, that would help tremendously.

So today, I won't bitch (although I could). I will bitch another day.

On Saturday, I finished my review of probably 85% of Resurrection. I like it. I just need some quality time to finish it, as with all of the novels. Gee whiz, ideals are just bouncing around in my head and I do not have the time to right them down. I need to finish up the first book, La Rose. It overwhelms me. I cannot tie it all together. But now that I have taken a break, perhaps I can.

Purgatory

After a couple of weeks passing, I decided to make a post. Not that I have anything new to disclose, but I just felt that I should post something.

Life has been somewhat depressing for me. I have no money, but fortunately I get paid tomorrow. Rest assured that I will be broke by Friday. I have too many bills to pay, many of them not my own. But I thank the Lord that he has provided me with the means to pay them.

My life is the same everyday. I have nothing to look forward to. I find myself unwilling to hope in change. I am ashamed, for there are people in this world who truly suffer and I am glad to say that I am not one of them. I guess that I have been disappointed so much, that I do not wish to believe in impossible dreams. False hope is a killer. Why set myself up for disappointment? What will be will be.

I continue to work on the novel. It is ok. It is way too long, yet again. I have even given up, well that is a strong word, let us say emotionally disconnected myself from it. I have accepted that no one would be willing to take on a work of this size. I am not the best salesperson in the world, that's for sure. So like many other projects close to my heart, I have resolved that the only one who will ever enjoy these books is me.

Kind of sounds like a pity party, huh? Not really. This is where I am today. I just have the whole 'fuck it' attitude, simply grateful that I have a job, a place to sleep and a story to dream of. I don't see the point in fighting anymore, in believing that everything will work out fine.

I do dream of my characters quite a bit, even now. Only my characters comfort me in my loneliness. I have no one to cry to but them.

Maybe that is my problem. I am lonely and now it is starting to seep into all areas of my life. Well, I know this to be the source of my agnst. But who would want me now, all broken down... I have nothing to offer anyone right now. I have no home, no money, kinda overweight, kinda wierd, kinda abrupt in my actions, hot and cold. Who wants to deal with that?

Well, I will check back in, maybe in about a week or so. Hopefully, my indifference will have passed. However, I do not expect that to be the case.

Coming Back

Returning from the edge today. Last night was pretty rough. I hit my head, but it got me thinking about my life. There are many things about my life that I cannot change, but I can change me, my attitude. I guess that I allow things get to me, especially when I write, for the characters have what is most precious.

But that is their life. I must enjoy, love and cherish the life which God has bless me with, both the good and the bad. I will cherish my Love, Christ.

Goin' Up In Smoke

Not feeling very well these days. I'm tired and the walls seem to be closing in on me. I don't think that I am well.

It is a beautiful day outside. My father has decided to barbecue today, so I must go over. I just want to stay home and convalesce today. I need to cut the grass.

I am lonely, I suppose. Maybe interactions with others would help. I've been indoors all weekend watching TV and drinking. I have not worked on Resurrection. The story is improving as bit. I am rewriting much of it. It is beginning to look like Julian will be the dominate character in this one. He is really coming into his own as an asshole and he has no qualms about being himself.

I like Julian. True freedom to put oneself first, telling people what is really on your mind without concern for their feelings or the repercussions of one's words. i wish that I could be more like Julian.

Discouraged

I told my parents about the my novel. I am not very good in describing topic. I don't know, I am just depressed now. They seemed ok about it. Maybe I am just tired. I did not get much sleep last night. The gloom and the rain does not help.

I love my novel. It is good, well to me anyway. What mother does not love her child? However, others regard our children differently than we do. It just seem that those closest to me have no interest.

I need to update the chapters posted here.

I've been sending out queries... Well, you know how that goes.

Hello All

Just wanted to say howdy. Busy day. Trying to stay positive.

I had planned not to blog today. Just did not feel like it. What would be the point? But, it's funny. Just when I have prepared to detach myself to save myself... well give up, God sends us an encouraging word. And I received that word today. Thank you Father.