Writing Again... A Little

I slept for about an hour last night, awakening at 1am. I lay there in the darkness for awhile, and then I would give the TV a try (checked out a History Channel presentation on the planet Mars). I turned off the TV and tried to fall asleep. I began thinking about the novels all of them. Watching them.

Damn

Finally at 4am, I give up on sleeping and jot down some notes. By 445, I turn off the light and the TV.

I hear my Father making coffee. It had to be at the latest 515

A bit of light filters through the heavy cloud cover. Somehow my eyes detected what found its way into the family room through the blinds. 715

Time to go to work.

After a few glasses of ice coffee once arriving at the office, I am on my way. I refused to allow anyone to upset me today. I stayed away from those who only seek to suck up my energy.

Today, I chose me. I liked choosing me. I felt good about choosing me. I believe that I will choose me from now on.

I checked out some spa treatments for my severely neglected body and spirit. Maybe I will by a new top.

Alas, it is time for me to return home. Let us see how long my good feelings will last.

Oh yeah. I did not type up my newest inspirations today. I wonder why? They are still scribble on my notepad. I guess I'm a little tired in a way. I think that all the drama at home has tapped me out a bit. Not sleeping last night did not help any. But, it will get better. Why? Because I'm going to make it better.

I am tired of being unhappy. Why should I be? I have no reason to be unhappy. God has blessed me with everything I need, yet I give it all away, keeping nothing for myself. Why do I do that? Is this the Christian thing to do? And when you give it all to someone who has a 'what have you done for me lately' attitude, what is the point?

So much to consider.

Life Goes On

Well, it has been a week since my life changed. I'm ok, still a little emotionally and spiritually numb, but I'm making it. In order to maintain peace, I was encouraged to eat crow, cowtow and reinstate the status quo.

Fine.

So what now? Take it as long as I can before I explode. See I am a tad bit passive aggressive. I hold shit in, and then I burst. So one day, they will look up and I will be gone. I shared this with my best friend (since high school). "I will tell them why you left," she laughed. I laughed with her. It is all very ridiculous. It is time for me to leave. I will return one day, but I do need to but some miles between us for awhile.

It is strange. I am not angry. I am a little afraid, but overall, I'm ok. Who wants to loose their family? But they did not choose me, so why am I concerned? I feel strangely at peace about it all. It will resolve itself according to God's will. I know that my time here is short. Soon, I will be free. Not sure how (hmm, be careful what you ask for) but I would pray that God would not devastate our lives.

I just want to be free, that's all. I want to be happy. You know, I have never been happy? I think that the last time I was happy was in 5th grade. Yes, I was happy in 5th grade and the first few weeks of 6th grade, before transfering to a new school. I have not been happy since. I would be nice to be happy again.