Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Better Day

I am finally beginning to come out on the other side. Although a little irritated when leaving home this morning, my agnst has dissipated. Hopelessness is departing. Don't get me wrong, nothing has changed. Still bored, broke and frustrated. However I am hopeful today. I think that the sermon and the word that I received yesterday truly helped me.

I just wish to thank everyone who has prayed for and supported me over the past week. I still have a way to go, but at least I am better for today.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Charles Blanton

I would like to begin by extending my condolences to Raquel Blanton and her family concerning the loss of her Father, Charles Blanton. He was a longtime employee and union man for Electric Motors, since 1969 I believe. But more importantly, Mr. Blanton was a good man, a true provider, father, lover and friend. Raquel and I would always muse that God did not make men like our fathers anymore, who believed in taking care of home and raising families. But I suspect that there are few golden nuggets out there within our own generation, but I fear that they all may have been snatched up!

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Matthew 5: 4

In any case, God rest your soul Mr. Blanton. Raquel, our prayers are with you and your entire family. The pastor gave a great eulogy for Mr. Blanton, honoring him while inspiring the living. Dare I say hope is trying to take ahold of me? What is this old soul coming to?

Anyhow, Mr. Blanton enjoyed wrestling. His love for the sport brought reminded pastor of Jacob wrestling with 'a man' all night until he blessed him (Genesis 32:24-32). Although 'the man' crippled his thigh, Jacob continued to hold to him, holding on to hope and faith. Finally, Jacob surrendered to his hope and faith, no longer struggling and wrestling. It was then that God blessed him. Mr. Blanton wrestled to the very end, overcoming Cancer and Diabetes. Although he surrendered to pnemonia, he wrestled to the end, refusing to let go until God blessed him and his family. Raquel I spoke about the moment he gave up(without realizing it), receiving the blessing that he had been waiting on for so long. Once God granted it to him, he let go, surrendering to the Peace, Comfort and Love of Christ.

I should take a note from Jacob and Mr. Blanton.

And to Mr. J Marshall who overheard me griping on the bus to my friends, thank you for the word that you gave me today. I will hold God to his promise. Wow, spooky. Kinda ties into the whole Jacob message. OK... Wow. God, did you really hear me in my time of despair, sending your angel to laugh with me and comfort me? Really folks, he told me to 'hold God to his promise' to make him accountable for what He promised me.

I've been down so long, I am not sure what He promised me anymore.

I do remember He promised a Love for me. A Son for me.

He promised a home for me.

He promised to save me.

He may have promised a ministry for me, but I was not real interested in becoming a preacher. I am sure that I blacked that part out. LOL

Mr Marshall, thanks for sitting in front of me and enduring my foul language today. I praise God that He brought you out of your valley within 6 months.

Perhaps I should lose the bitterness and anger and surrender to God, to hope and faith once more.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Stepping Back from the Edge

I have rallied my resolve to go on. Sorry for trippin' out, but I just could not take it anymore. I am still fighting the urge to skip paying all bills, buying my own laptop and then buying a train ticket to parts unknown, but I know that I do not have the guts to do it.

Besides, I love my family. They are all that I have, the only people in the world who truly love me and have always been there for me. After awhile, I would miss them! I just need some time away, to get my thoughts and plans together... To write... Goodness gracious to get some sleep. I need sleep in a quiet peaceful enviroment. If I could get three days of rest, that would help tremendously.

So today, I won't bitch (although I could). I will bitch another day.

On Saturday, I finished my review of probably 85% of Resurrection. I like it. I just need some quality time to finish it, as with all of the novels. Gee whiz, ideals are just bouncing around in my head and I do not have the time to right them down. I need to finish up the first book, La Rose. It overwhelms me. I cannot tie it all together. But now that I have taken a break, perhaps I can.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Lyric Opera

I'm in the office today, working on one of my novels. Well, making changes. I decided to take a break to go outside and pollute my lungs.

While sitting there, I noticed that there was quite a bit of traffic. A people watcher, I began to notice couples walk by in their finery. Looking south to Washington and Wacker, I spotted three ladies, in the glory of their youth, posing for a photograph. One adorned a beautiful red gown.

I always envisioned myself in red.

Looking about, I found a woman walking with her with her husband, dapper in his tuxedo. She flaunted about in lavender.

"What is happening?" I asked myself. I reviewed my internal calendar. Fourth Saturday of September. I understood. Tonight is the opening night at the Lyric Opera, here in Chicago. Drew, one of my drinking buddies who constructs the sets there, had not even mentioned it. I guess that he did not know that I cared.

Another year has passed and I did not make it there. I always dreamed of attending the opening night performance, and then joining all for the ball which immediately follows. I dream of attending with my love, attired in a deep red velvet dress, mingling... Lela attended the opening night performance of La Traviata in Paris, in my novel. I wonder what will be the performance for this evening? Funny, I did not even think of it until now, once seeing the patrons. I guess that I have been consumed with other more pressing issues.

So now I have returned to my desk, listening to 'I Who Have Nothing' by Sylvester. I'm going to take a nap and then catch my train. I had planned to get on the 6:40, but I cannot face my family right now. I'm tired. Life is passing me by.

Friday, September 25, 2009


Yes, that's right folks. There is nothing like a old fool. I never learn, continuing to make the same mistakes over and over. I know better than to take an interest in anyone, well you know a romantic interest. But alas, I did. My friends kept saying that he liked me. I told them no he did not. I was right, as always.

I am just lonely, I suppose. I have learned not to look at any man. I am not sure how I even saw this guy. Well, I guess that I do. In any case, I should know better by now. I know I continue to repeat myself, I guess it is symptomatic of my life in general.

I feel a sinking in the pit of my stomach, thinking of the weekend. I wish that I could skip weekends. It is harder for me to get out. I am tired. I wish that I had somewhere to go asleep. I want to get pissy drunk and pass out, but I cannot. I got to go back to my parents. Can't stay out too late, because they will wait up until I come home. They lock the house down. Then I must endure questions tomorrow about how I'm feeling. I don't know, how do you think I feel? I feel like shit, but I have to keep moving.

So tomorrow, I will come downtown and hang out at the office, working on my book as I have done every weekend since getting kicked out. I don't have any money, so what else can I do? I am grateful that I at least have this place to crash. Then I will go home. Then I will be awakened at 6 am on Sunday. I will sit in the house all day with my family. Then Monday will arrive and I can come back to work, just to repeat the same sad, mundane circle again. It never ends. I feel like sitting here at my desk and screaming until I loose my voice. I feel like crying. Neither would do any good. I will go and have a few drinks and suck it up.

I just wish that it would all end. I am tired.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Auto pilot

Dare I say that I feel better today? Depression is weird, once you're in it, you don't want to let it go. But I am not depressed, just tired, desperately in need of a vacation. I spent some time yesterday checking out vacation hot spots in Paris, Brussels, Seychelles, Mauritius, and other locales around the world. Unless God opens up the floodgates and rain some financial blessings down on me, there is NO WAY I can visit these spots anytime soon. But I did take some comfort just looking at the pictures and dreaming of what it is like to live such a life.

Can you imagine it? A life with no financial concerns? One has money all of the time instead of finding their checking account on empty with payday more than 7 days away? Not living on credit, but on actual money... on wealth? What is it like to receive a bill in the mail and not have to figure out how to pay? One simply sits at their desk and writes the check. No worries about miscalculating the balance in the account, thus causing the check to bounce to high heaven. Just write the check and don't worry about it again. Go to the grocery store and stock up. Go out to dinner with friends, choosing whatever you desire to eat from the menu. Picking up and jaunting out of town for the weekend. Going on worldwind tours. Living life without boundries.

It is a nice dream. But in my case, I must figure out how to make the little money that I have left stretch for two weeks. This sh*t is a drag.

But even while I continue to b*tch, I still manage to do some work on La Rose. It is never ending as well. Maybe I need a break from it. But what else would I do? I am just irritated because I am at a part in the story that I do not enjoy. The characters are enduring some unbelievably bad times right now and things will only get worst before they get any better. Kinda like life itself huh? But things do eventurally improve. It will take about 30 years though.

Yeah, I'm not in the mood to edit this part right now. I think that I will work on Resurrection for awhile and watch Julian be an as*hole.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

B*tch and Moan - Day 2

I just got my boss off to the airport. It has been a busy day full of scheduling, screwing up the schedule, fixing the schedule, editing docs, getting breakfast. I'm pooped.

I got paid today. Rather, everyone I owe money to got paid today. I'm broke again.

I really need something new and exciting in my life. Sure, stuff happens to me, but it is usually not enjoyable. I try to make myself and others around me happy by telling jokes and goofing off, but even that is getting old. I have nothing left to give. I realized on the train ride in that I have nothing to look forward to in life... I just work and pay bills. There is nothing tangible to anticipate. Folks around me plan trips and such. I plan them too, simply for other people. Since I cannot live my own dreams, I live vicariously through others.

I dream of having a nice quiet place of my own, to sleep in my own bed, to get up in the morning at my leisure. I am grateful to have somewhere to stay. I guess that I just want my life back. No, I want a better life than what I had before.

In any case, I have plenty to be thankful for. I have a job and I have a place to stay. Most of all, I have somewhere to escape to. The novels are my private little world, watching as Lela navigate the ups and downs of her world. Not that Lela's life is so great (much of it stinks) but I enjoy Beatrice's life (Lela reincarnated, current times). Once Bea meets Octavius, her life definitely takes the turn for the better, that's for sure! I always dream of meeting my Octavius. Wouldn't it be nice to dream up those whom we wish to meet? I guess that we do on some level. I always believed that writers channel souls from other times in space, giving them a voice here in our world.

In any case, I need to get back to work. My lunch break (yes, it's late today) is nearly over. I must finish auditing my bosses expenses and set up book meeting space for them in Florida.

Monday, September 21, 2009


After a couple of weeks passing, I decided to make a post. Not that I have anything new to disclose, but I just felt that I should post something.

Life has been somewhat depressing for me. I have no money, but fortunately I get paid tomorrow. Rest assured that I will be broke by Friday. I have too many bills to pay, many of them not my own. But I thank the Lord that he has provided me with the means to pay them.

My life is the same everyday. I have nothing to look forward to. I find myself unwilling to hope in change. I am ashamed, for there are people in this world who truly suffer and I am glad to say that I am not one of them. I guess that I have been disappointed so much, that I do not wish to believe in impossible dreams. False hope is a killer. Why set myself up for disappointment? What will be will be.

I continue to work on the novel. It is ok. It is way too long, yet again. I have even given up, well that is a strong word, let us say emotionally disconnected myself from it. I have accepted that no one would be willing to take on a work of this size. I am not the best salesperson in the world, that's for sure. So like many other projects close to my heart, I have resolved that the only one who will ever enjoy these books is me.

Kind of sounds like a pity party, huh? Not really. This is where I am today. I just have the whole 'fuck it' attitude, simply grateful that I have a job, a place to sleep and a story to dream of. I don't see the point in fighting anymore, in believing that everything will work out fine.

I do dream of my characters quite a bit, even now. Only my characters comfort me in my loneliness. I have no one to cry to but them.

Maybe that is my problem. I am lonely and now it is starting to seep into all areas of my life. Well, I know this to be the source of my agnst. But who would want me now, all broken down... I have nothing to offer anyone right now. I have no home, no money, kinda overweight, kinda wierd, kinda abrupt in my actions, hot and cold. Who wants to deal with that?

Well, I will check back in, maybe in about a week or so. Hopefully, my indifference will have passed. However, I do not expect that to be the case.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Letting Go

Over the Labor Day weekend I did a little work on the novel, adding another two chapters. Oye. What am I trying to achieve here? I'm not quite sure anymore. I am rounding out the story. That is it. But can there be too much 'rounding?' For real.... If I told everything, this book would be over 2,000 pages. So, I am only trying to include information that will... I don't know. Just going on gut instinct here.

I wish that I could go somewhere for about a month (minimum two weeks) where I can just focus on the novel. Writing after work and on weekends is not working at this point. I really need to assess what I have here. I find it difficult to do. I am exhausted, distracted and stressed out. These factors are making it very difficult for me to tell this story in a concise matter. I really just need a good night's rest. I think that would help me in several areas of my life.